But Inside I'm Screaming
by epicinsanity101
Summary: Jessica Stanley must deal with keeping up appearances, her slutty mother, amazing/annoying friend/zombies, being chubby, having "pent up anger", and falling in like with someone she hates. MikexJess
1. In Which Jessica Dreams of Parfaits

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. You better thank your lucky stars that I don't own Twilight.**

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**The Guidance Office**

Mrs. Abram suggested that I start writing down my thoughts in a journal. She's my guidance counselor with all these fancy degrees in psychology, so she must know what she's doing. But a journal? A journal is a more mature term for a diary. I'm not the kind of person who writes in a diary. Angela is the kind of person who writes in a diary. Not me. Mrs. Abram said that I have a lot of pent up rage, and should use the "journal" as a way to vent.

Why isn't Mike Newton writing in some "journal"? He's the reason I was sent down to the guidance counselor in the first place! The whole thing started at lunch today. I was just done eating my salad with no dressing (yuck) because I'm trying to slim down. You see, unlike all the Stick-Thin Sally's in the world, I actually am sort of round. Mom says that this is a good thing, but I say different. Hanging out with twigs like Lauren and Angela isn't good for my self-esteem. Anyway, Mike was annoying me with his freaking taco. Like all the meat kept falling onto his tray taunting me with its meaty goodness. He saw me fantasizing over the taco and took it as an opportunity to mock me.

"Jessica," he said. "Why don't you get your own taco instead of drooling over mine?"

"Jessica is on a diet," Lauren said in her nasally voice that made me want to hurl up my salad.

"I can see why," was all Mike said.

Then the whole table got sort of quiet. The only people unfazed by this were Mike and Lauren who continued to eat their lunch like nothing was wrong. In my head I was screaming every swear word I could possibly think of. This led to me throwing my milk carton at Mike's dumb head. Then THAT led to retarded Eric screaming "FOOD FIGHT" which led to ME going to the guidance office and getting detention for a week.

The next time I see Mike I'm going to kick him in the balls.

* * *

**My Room**

Mrs. Abram told me I should write down all the positive things about myself. I can't think of any, so I'll just write random facts about me.

**RANDOM FACTS ABOUT JESSICA STANLEY AS WRITTEN BY JESSICA STANLEY **

1. My number one idol in the world is Gloria Steinem. She was this really cool woman's rights activist in the 70s. I had to do this report on her in eighth grade, and I felt that she was someone I should aspire to be like. I SHOULD aspire to be a trophy wife or a dentist, but I'd rather not.

2. I am a chocoholic. Chocolate makes me feel like I'm not a fat, pathetic loser wannabe. For instance, when I came home after my stint in detention I ate a whole Hershey's bar. It made me feel SOOOO much better.

3. I'm a self-taught guitar player. I write angry songs about Mike Newton and not being able to fit into a size two.

4. I was a Girl Scout for only a day. When I realized we had to wear these ugly hats, go camping, and actually DO stuff I was outta there.

5. The Stanley family is the only Jewish family in Forks, Washington. Sometimes it gets lonely being the only kid in town without a giant Santa Clause on their lawn.

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**English **

When I was in second grade I met my future best friend, Angela Weber. She was the tallest girl in our class so everyone immediately thought she was freak. I was the only one who was nice to her. Like I let her eat my chocolate animal crackers at snack time and let her borrow my glue sticks etc, etc. We were inseparable. The in fourth grade we met Lauren Mallory. I can now say openly that Lauren is a bitch. She was always trying to get me to "break up" with Angela. She was probably jealous of our fabulous friendship because no one wanted to be friends with Lauren. Like I said, she was (and still is) a bitch.

I'm sitting in front of Lauren in English, and she keeps throwing Tic-Tacs at the back of my head. Like hell I'm turning around. She most likely wants to invite me on a shopping spree in Port Angeles where we can have some "girl talk" and eat parfaits. As much as I love parfaits, I wouldn't want to eat one with Lauren around. She'll make me feel guilty since she looks like a catalog model. Hmm… I want a parfait now.

* * *

**Gym**

I forged a doctor's note to get out of gym so I won't have to play co-ed volleyball. I'm sitting on the bleachers watching everyone else dive to get the little, white ball of doom. Ha ha. Mike just fell face-first into the floor. SUCK IT, NEWTON! KARMA IS A BITCH!

I heard the most revolting conversation in the lady's restroom before gym.

**Dumb Gurl: **Did you see, Edward Cullen today?

**Even Dumber Gurl: **He looked so hot!

Edward Cullen IS quite handsome, suave, debonair, etc., but he's also a total dick. I asked him out a few months ago because, even though I hate to admit it, I was once one of his many fan girls. All that dick did was smirk, and walk away. I was left heartbroken and forever scorned. I guess he only dates girls like Lauren Mallory. Girls who are pretty.

Men are scum.


	2. In Which Bella Effs Everything Up

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Thanks to all who reviewed! It made me so happy to know that people enjoy my writing. On to the story!

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**Trig**

There's a new girl here at Forks High School. She's decided to haul her ass all way from sunny, beautiful PHOENIX, ARIZONA to dismal, depressing FORKS, WASHINGTON. Her name is Isabella Swan, Chief Swan's daughter. Oh yeah. I've heard A LOT about Miss Swan from my mother. Apparently, Chief Swan can't shut up about her. She's like a fucking angel or something. She can do no wrong.

I'm sitting right next to her in Trigonometry trying to hide my journal from her wandering eyes. She's sort of pretty, I guess. Not Lauren Mallory pretty, but still. Why is she so damn pale when she came from flipping Arizona? I wish I looked like her. Her hair is so… straight. Mine is just a mess of curls. I look like someone prodded me with a taser.

Everyone is the class is staring at her like she's some exotic animal put on display. It's as if she's beautiful, elegant peacock that everyone can't help but look at. Maybe I should be friends with her. Talk to her, make her feel welcome, etc.

I can see Tyler's eyes almost popping out of his head. Has he ever seen a real girl before? Holy crap.

* * *

**Bathroom**

It's official. The men of Forks High School have finally found shiny, new toy to play with and it's called Bella Swan.

Is it just me or does every living male organism under the age of eighteen adore her? THEY ALL WANT TO DO HER! It's pathetic really. Even Newton has fallen under her spell. Not that I'm jealous or anything. What really pissed me off was that Edward was actually taking notice in her! Edward Cullen! The guy who you would never be able to tap in a million years was taking interest in Forks' resident angel. It's almost enough to make me puke. I can't believe...

Lauren and Angela just came in the bathroom a few minutes ago, so I had to stop writing and eavesdrop. I could easily recognize the two by their unique choices in footwear.

**Angela**: those ugly loafers her dad makes her wear because he is a paranoid mess of a man.

**Lauren**: those expensive, designer flip-flops she keeps waving in my face. Seriously, who wears flip-flops in January?

Anyway, Lauran was all, "Oh my God! Did you see how pale she was is? I thought girls in Arizona were _tan_. If I lived in Arizona I would be so _tan_."

Angela just kept quiet because she's a nice girl who doesn't talk about other people behind their back. Instead she goes, "Maybe she has a condition."

"Yeah," Lauren said. "A frigging MENTAL CONDITION. Who doesn't go outside? Seeing this pale girl makes me want to go and _tan_."

At this point I had climbed on top of the toilet seat and was watching the back of Lauren and Angela's head. I didn't want them to know I was there because I'm trying to avoid Lauren at the moment. All she talks about is prom, prom, and prom. Its five months away! Get a clue in your fat head you skank!

"Did you see her _drooling _over Edward Cullen?" Lauren asked. "It looked like she was going to jump his bones right there in the lunchroom. How _tacky_."

I'll tell you what's tacky, Lauren. Your flip-flops. Those aren't even real diamonds! They're flippin' rhinestones! I can tell! I own a Badazzler, you bitch! Ugh. I'm DEFENDING Bella Swan. I should stop being such a good person.

Then Angela saw me in the mirror and was like, "Jess? Why are you standing on the toilet?"

"I'm doing Pilates," I told her which is obviously a lie because who the hell does Pilates on a damn toilet seat?

But of course, Lauren gets all excited and babbles about her (**coughfakecough**) Pilates instructor named Felix who is sexy and wears muscle shirts. Angela looked like she was about to burst into tears. Then to put the cherry on top of my lovely chocolate fudge sundae, Bella Swan entered the bathroom stage left.

"Hey… everyone," she said since she couldn't remember our names. She was too busy being a Cullen fan girl to notice who everyone was.

"Bella!" we all chorused cheerfully. One of those three voices was genuinely cheery. Can you guess who?

* * *

**Home**

Mom is off on a date with her new boyfriend she met online. I wasn't allowed to see him because Mom is worried I might scare him off. I'm sure by this time tomorrow she'll be telling her friends down at the beauty salon all about her romp around town with Mr. He-Could-Be-The-One. No one will ever be good enough for my mom. The only man ever able to live up to standards was my father. He passed away a couple years ago.

Anyway!

After school, Angela and I went to City Hall to sneak into a wedding and/or traffic court. This time it was a wedding which is not as exciting as traffic court because in traffic court people get prosecuted for running red lights. Usually we don't get caught sneaking into weddings since we wear disguises (the disguises include sunglasses, head scarves , trench coats, etc.). The only times we get caught is if Angela's dad is doing the sermon.

"I want to get married someday," Angela sighed dreamily.

"Men are only interested in screwing you, Angela," I told her in the nicest way possible.

Angela blushed. "Not Ben," she said sort of quietly.

Ben Cheney is the love of Angela's life. I doubt they'll ever get together since Angela is so shy and her dad is so strict. Maybe I should hook them up? Probably not a good idea since I'm never good in those types of situations. I always seem to make them worse.

I wonder if Mom has any of that chocolate Coffee-Mate left in the fridge. Hmm…


	3. In Which Mike Is Humiliated

_A/N: I decided to put dates on the entries so no one would be confused. :D_

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**January 17th**

**Angela's House**

The reason why I'm at Angela's house and not at my own place of residence is because of my mother. Here's what happened:

_Sweet, beautiful daughter_ JESSICA STANLEY _is on the couch watching MTV when her irresponsible mother_ LORI STANLEY _enters._

JESSICA: Well you're home early. How was your date with Mr. Amazing?

LORI: (is tearful and obviously drunk) It was h-horrible!! H-He ditched me in front of the m-movie theater!!

JESSICA: (being the kind-hearted daughter she is hands her mother a Kleenex) Perhaps you we're being too needy again. Did you offer to pay half of the bill? Men appreciate a woman who can handle herself with grace and dignity. Or at least that's what I've read.

LORI: Jessica? Could you get your mother a glass of wine?

Instead of getting Mom her glass of wine, I escaped out the back door and practically ran all the way to Angela's house. After ringing the doorbell about a zillion times, Angela answered looking tired and not too happy to see her best friend in the whole wide world.

"What are you doing here, Jessica?" she asked.

"My mother has gone completely bonkers!" I explained as rationally as possible. Which now that I think about it, wasn't too rational. I think I may have been flailing my arms a bit too much. Plus I was still wearing my bunny slippers. Angela must have thought I was the one going bonkers.

Naturally, Angela was very sympathetic and let me into her house where I downed six glasses of vanilla Coke and one fudge sundae. Eventually I had to call my mom because Angela wouldn't stop bugging me about it.

"JESSICA! WHERE DID YOU GO! I THOUGHT SOMEONE KIDNAPPED YOU! I WAS THIS CLOSE TO CALLING CHIEF SWAN! I THOUGHT MY BABY HAD _DIED_!" Mom shouted at me when I called her.

"I'm fine, Mom," I told her. "I'm at Angela's."

"I'LL NEVER LET YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT AGAIN!!!" Mom continued to sob uncontrollably.

"Mother!" I shouted back making Angela almost fall over. I swear to God that girl needs to eat a sandwich. "Do you know what damage that'll do on my social life?"

After that I hung up on her because I didn't want to hear her stupid sobbing anymore. My mom is the most childish person in the entire world. Ever since my dad died she's been nothing but one big mess. I feel guilty all the time… like it's my fault she's like this. Like I'm not doing enough to pull her out of the rut. I'm the worst daughter in the UNIVERSE. I guess it's fitting for the worst mother in the universe.

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**January 18****th**

**Trig**

Today I am sitting BEHIND Bella Swan as to avoid her peeping at my lovely "journal". But that means I am forced to sit next to Audrey, an annoying cohort of Lauren's. Audrey is your typical teenage girl: she's dating a jock, she's a cheerleader, AND she sleeps around with other guys. I'm not saying that all cheerleaders are "whores". In fact, I know some really nice cheerleaders who give cupcakes to orphans and sprinkle hobos with pixie dust. Audrey is poking me with her pen now. It's getting glitter all over my sleeve. I better see what she wants.

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**Spanish**

Audrey and I passed notes all through Trig. We didn't get in trouble on account of Mr. Varner being, like, a million years old and legally blind. Audrey made me promise to throw the notes out after class, but I decided not to. I'll just put them in here:

_**Jessica, darling! Guess who I was out with last night!!!**_

_Let me guess, darling? Your beloved boyfriend who is the running back for the school's football team? _

_**Good guess, dear, but you know how Audrey likes to shop around! No. I was out with… ROGER PARKINSON! Can you believe it, Jessica? **_

_Actually, I CAN believe it. You are such a tease, Audrey. I can't believe you went out with Parkinson. He's a self-absorbed loser. _

_**Don't judge me, Jessica. I have very high standards, you know. And Roger is not self-absorbed. We spent the whole night talking about saving the whales and preventing global warming.**_

_What happened after you chat about whale saving, Audrey? _

_**I have no idea what you're talking about.**_

* * *

**History**

Lunch today was wonderfully wonderful. Edward Cullen wasn't there to rain on everyone's parade with his sullen-ness. I was feeling so cheerful in fact that I didn't even mind Mike dragging Bella and I to our table. What was he thinking? That Bella was going to wander off like a scared little puppy? Well she _was_ sort of drooling over the remaining four Cullens like they were a raspberry banana sundae with whipped cream on top. I wouldn't care if she went to sit with the Cullens. I could have my friends back instead of the Bella-loving zombies that replaced them.

Anyway, while Bella was fantasizing about sitting with the Cullens we were having a brilliant conversation!

"I hope it snows soon," Angela said being her usual wistful self. "I was so disappointed that we had no snow for Christmas."

"I was disappointed that we didn't have any snow for _Hanukah_," I added ever so politely.

"When it snows," Mike then said waving his arms around like he was doing some magic trick. "we'll have an epic snowball fight! Jess will lose, of course."

I got very offended by this as I am sort of a feminist. Therefore, I cannot take such TRASH TALKING!

"EXCUSE ME!" I said really loud to accentuate my anger. "Are you implying that just because I have boobs means I can't kick your ass at a snowball fight? That, Mike Newton, is SEXIST!"

Of course all the guys at the table were too busy giggling because I said the word "boobs" to pay any attention to my suffrage. Mike, the only "sensible" one, was still staring me down.

"What are you talking about?" he asked all innocently. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you HAVE no boobs."

Everyone at the table looked at me, awaiting my clever response. What came out of my mouth was, "Well you don't have a dick."

Everyone burst out laughing at my wit while Mike quickly glanced at Bella to make sure she hadn't heard my comment. She hadn't of course. She was too busy picturing herself riding white horses on the beach with Edward Cullen.


	4. In Which There Is a Horrible Weekend

**Friday, January 21****st**

_# of times have called Angela out of boredom: 15_

_# of raspberry streusel bars consumed: I can't remember_

_# of times have watched Love Actually: much more than a normal person should_

_# of times Mike Newton has called to ask if I could hook him and Bella up: 30 (how did he get my number anyway?)_

* * *

**Saturday, January 22****nd**

**Hiding Under My Bed In SHAME**

The good thing about being Jewish is that I don't have to go to church every Sunday. It is tradition that I sneak into my mother's bed while she's napping and order movies on Pay-Per View without her knowing. Thank God she doesn't check the bill when it comes in the mail. Mainly she just grumbles about it, but pays it anyway. Good thing too. I absolutely DETEST fending off bill collectors left and right.

Well today I watched _Titanic_ and almost had a dizzy spell when Leo and Kate did it in the car/carriage thing. Then I almost cried when Leo froze to death. It was quite horrible (even though I've seen it about fifty times). Then I fell asleep and had an awkward dream in which I was Kate Winslet and Mike was Leonardo DeCaprio and we kissed… a lot. I can't even remember if it was enjoyable or not. I think I was screaming in horror though because Mom woke me up thinking I was having a stroke or something.

"What's wrong?" she was saying all motherly-like.

"Dear, God!" I choked. "I was kissing Mike Newton!!"

This caused Mom to burst out laughing and say, "Jessica? What are you talking about?"

Oh hell. She's probably going to blab to Mrs. Newton about that. CRAP!

* * *

**The Shed**

Mom cannot be trusted with my personal matters anymore! Just like I thought she would, Mom went and told Mrs. Newton how I dreamt about making out with her son. They both think it's FUNNY. MORE LIKE MENTALLY SCARRING! I can never show my face again. I will move to Paris and become rich, fabulous, etc. I will meet famous celebrities like Bono and Madonna. I will be unstoppable.

Will try running for the hills… now.

* * *

**The Shed… Again**

Plans were foiled when Mike Newton caught up with me at a pay phone. I was calling to see how much a plane ticket to France cost (which apparently is a lot). He was tapping on the glass like an idiot and making weird faces that he probably thought were amazingly clever. Then when THAT didn't catch my attention he pressed his nose against the glass and obnoxiously huffed on it. He drew a picture of a smiley face. So I hung up the phone and was like, "What are you doing?"

"What are _you_ doing?" he replied.

"I was seeing how much a plane ticket to France cost before you so rudely interrupted me." Seriously. Why would a person do that?

"Why would you need a plane ticket to France?" Mike asked stupidly.

His mother must have not told him. Thank GOD his mother is not a shameless gossip like my mother is. So I decided to be aloof and vague.

"Oh…" I said airily. "You know."

Mike ran a hand through his hair, very much confused. I noticed he wasn't wearing a hat. My maternal instincts suddenly decided to kick in and I said, "Why aren't you wearing a hat? Did you know that you lose 75% of your body heat through your head?"

"It's not that cold out, Jess," he told me with this dumb half-smile on his face.

I must have looked pretty stupid then as I was wearing a heavy winter coat, wool mittens, a scarf that practically covered my whole mouth, and a hat drooping over my eyes. I must have looked like a total freak. Not that I care what Mike Newton think of me.

* * *

**The Shed… Still**

After I left the shed and went inside my nice warm house, Mike called me and asked why I was fantasizing about kissing him.

Jesus Christ.

* * *

**Sunday, January 23****rd**

"Why the hell were you doing Mike Newton?" Lauren asked when she called me today. I automatically heard the words '**doing**' and '**Mike Newton**'. Those should NEVER BE USED IN A SENTENCE TOGETHER. EVER.

"I wasn't doing Mike!" I almost screamed. The thought horrified me. "Who the hell told you that?"

"Well…" Lauren went on to say. "Eric told Tyler who told Audrey who told Samantha who told Brandi who told me! I couldn't believe how much of a slut you were for putting out for a guy you haven't even dated yet."

So then I had to hang up on Lauren and called Eric who started all this crap about me having "relations" with Mike Newton. Ugh. I can't even write it. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! I feel faint. Anyway… here's how the conversation went:

ME: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THE IDEA THAT MIKE AND I DID IT?

ERIC: Oh hi, Jessica! I'm kind of in the middle of kicking your boyfriend's ass at Halo. Could you call back at a better time?

ME: MIKE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU THAT WE "DID IT"?

ERIC: Hmmm… so you DID do it.

ME: NO WE DIDN'T! WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU OTHERWISE?

ERIC: Mike did.

Mike aka the jerk/asshole/man-slut told me it was supposed to be funny. You know what I think would be funny? If I punched him in the face tomorrow in front of his precious Bella Swan.


	5. In Which Jesus Is Mentioned Twice

**Monday, January 24****th**

**The Back of Lauren's Car**

I am seriously fearing for my life right now. No one should be allowed to drive in a car with Lauren Mallory behind the wheel. Why am I, the oh so sensible Jessica Stanley, even choosing to hitch a ride with Lauren Mallory anyway? Well… since my mother is so paranoid she doesn't allow me to even look at a car. She's afraid that I might crash into a tree or a mailbox (there aren't a lot of cool things in Forks to careen into in). I'm still going to die with Lauren driving anyway, so what does it matter?

"Um…" Angela just said sweetly. Poor thing. She's actually in the passenger seat with Miss Road Rage. "Could you please slow down, Lauren. We're going to get in an accident if you don't slow down."

"What are you talking about?" Lauren replied. "I'm going under forty. Christ, stop being so paranoid."

FORTY? Is her frigging speedometer broken? I'm not going to bother checking because I'm afraid to move. I might go hurling through the windshield.

Anyway, everyone has seem to forgotten the whole _ordeal_ that happened yesterday. It's funny how they can get distracted so easily by other things (**coughbellaswancough**).

Wouldn't it be funny if Lauren _happened_ to run over Bella with her car? It would make me feel a whole lot better about my life. Well… maybe not a whole lot.

* * *

**Principal's Office**

Why must my mornings be ruined by stupid people/places/things/etc? Why must everyone slap me in the face with their annoyingness?

Edward Cullen just came back from his weekly "camping trip" with the other Beautiful People and Bella is drooling over them once again. They should all get together and have one big Beautiful People Parade/Orgy. I want to throw up just picturing it. STOP JESSICA! THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! STOP STOP STOP!

ANYWAY!!!! When I saw Mike this morning Angela had to hold me back so I wouldn't sucker punch him or something else violently fulfilling. She kept saying something about "regretting it" and "what would Jesus do?" I completely forgot about pummeling Mike Newton into a bloody pulp and started to think about Jesus.

Yes. What _would_ Jesus do if Mike Newton told everyone that _they_ had "relations" when they really didn't? Jesus would probably kill him with his lightning powers or whatever the hell he does. Either way, he's causing Mike Newton bodily harm!

So what I ended up doing when Angela's back was turned was running over to Mike Newton and kicking him in the nads before he even knew what the hell I was doing. He fell to the ground crying like a five year old which sort of made me feel really good. It was extremely quiet until Eric started laughing and kicking Mike in the side with his foot.

"What the hell, Jess?" the jackass managed to say through his Manly Tears of Testosterone and Pride. "What did I do to deserve this?"

I was giving him the cold shoulder though so I didn't answer. The whole thing was made even more hilarious because Bella Swan was standing RIGHT THERE. I swear on my LIFE that she wasn't even paying attention. No. She was looking over at the Beautiful People gathered around their Beautiful Cars. How do they have TWO cars? I don't even have one. Damn rich people.

So I was feeling good for like ten seconds until a teacher rushed over looking frantic because she probably thought Mike was having a heart attack or something. I mean he could have been since he was withering and convulsing all over the place. Seriously, he is SUCH a drama queen.

"What happened?!" Teacher Woman asked ripping her hair out.

"Jessica kicked Mike in the testicles, Mrs. Kramer," Erica said. "We tried to stop her, ma'am, honest. But she's a loose cannon!"

Fucking Eric. My shit list is slowly expanding every day. Maybe I'll show it to sometime.

* * *

**Tuesday, January 25****th**

God must either REALLY like me or must REALLY like kicking my ass. It's because I'm Jewish isn't it. It's not my fault I don't celebrate Christmas.

Bella Swan got in a CAR ACCIDENT today. I'm not kidding. Just the other day I was fantasizing about it and now today it happened. I must be magic or something. Here's what happened:

**SCENE:** _JESSICA STANLEY is standing around with FRIENDS tying her shoe_

JESSICA: Thanks a lot Eric. I got detention today for kicking Mike in the balls. Why the hell did you sell me out?

ERIC (shrugs like a complete moron): I have to follow school policy, Jess. Can't be helped.

LAUREN: I'm thinking of dying my hair. What do you guys think?

JESSICA: I'm thinking moss green.

LAUREN (nasal laugh): Oh, Jessica. You're SO cute!

MIKE: I'm suing you, Jessica Stanley! I'll see you in court!

JESSICA: SUPER MEGA IGNORING POWERS!

ANGELA: You guys… don't you think Tyler's going sort of fast?

FRIENDS: SUPER MEGA IGNORING POWERS!

TYLER (kills Bella)

FIN!

Except that didn't really happen. All that crap about shoe tying and Mike suing me was true, but Tyler killing Bella with his mom's van was not. He did almost kill her with his mom's van though. But then Edward Cullen was there to save the day like a regular Bruce Wayne. Everyone went nuts! They were practically mobbing the two shouting for autographs and snapping pictures. Uh… that's not true either.

I bet Cullen was just trying to cop a feel.

Hmph. Men.

* * *

_**Bella Swan is Road Kill **_

**Just standing there tying my shoe**

**Lauren talking about her hair**

**Nothing new**

**And I don't care**

**Angela says something**

**I'm not paying attention**

**No one's listening**

**My fingers are frozen**

**It's January so it's pretty cold**

**But that's kind of random**

**Tyler was driving pretty fast, or so I'm told**

**Gonna finish this song fast 'cause I dying of boredom**

**Bella Swan is road kill**

**And I'm singing a song**

**Because Bella Swan is road kill**

**I kicked Mike in the dong**

I can't write for shit.**

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**


	6. In Which Old People are Prominent

**Tuesday, January 26****th**

Suddenly, Mom thinks I'm going to be killed by crazy teenage boys in their vans.

She heard about Bella's "accident" from her dad and had a field day. I was sitting on the couch watching _Friends_, when my mother appeared completely distraught.

"Jessica, darling!" she exclaimed practically tackling me on the couch. Her plus-sized wedding ring practically took my eye out. "You're alright! I thought you DIED!"

"I'm going to die if you don't stop suffocating me, Mother."

Mom muttered an apology and gave me back my personal space. I handed her the Kleenex box helpfully. She took one and blew her nose like a frigging fog-horn.

"I heard about what happened to poor, sweet, little Bella," Mom said packing every cliché Bella Swan adjective into one sentence. "How is she feeling?"

"We're going to visit her in a little while," I told her.

About that… Mike INSISTED (and by insisted I mean begged) that we go visit Bella in the hospital. Tyler told us how she's in a full-body cast and has to drink everything through a straw. I think that's complete bull-shit, but then everyone started crying over it (even Lauren, but I think those were tears of joy).

"You should give her a get-well present!" Mom said brightly. She gave me back her nasty tissue, ran upstairs to her bedroom and brought back down the ugliest looking sweater I have ever seen. She must have bought it on QVC when I wasn't looking.

It's one of those old lady sweaters that smelled like moth balls.

I gave it one look and thought:

_Perfect._

* * *

**Waiting Room with Mike (Why am I always stuck with this Bella loving douche?)**

Mike and I went in to visit Bella first. Dr. Cullen said we shouldn't all flock around her at once, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind the attention. Bella wasn't in her full body cast like I so greatly anticipated. She was sitting up on her cot drinking a Coca Cola with bandages wrapped around her forehead. My eyes immediately went to the Coke.

"Bella!!!" Mike said all super nervous. He was shaking like a Chihuahua. "H-How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Bella replied. "I just wish everyone would stop worrying over me."

"Yes," I said still smiling like an idiot. "It's so horrible to have everyone freaking out about your well-being. People should just leave you alone. Hey, can I have a sip of that?"

Mike stepped on my foot and I poke him in the eye. Bella blinks at us solemnly, but gives me the Coke anyway. I didn't even care if it had Bella germs on it. Maybe I'll become more interesting and pretty.

"J-Jessica brought you a get-well present," Mike said rubbing his eye.

"Oh yeah," I said throwing the box at her. "Happy birthday."

Bella opened the box (WITHOUT A THANK YOU I MIGHT ADD) and lifted up the old lady sweater. Mike gaped at my mother's horrible taste in TV shopping. Bella stared at it, unsure of what to say.

"I GOT YOU A CARD!" Mike said shoving his stupid fifteen dollar singing card in her face. "I hope you don't have permanent brain damage because that would… you know… suck."

I finished the Coke and had a strong craving for a Capri Sun. Angela says I get cravings like a pregnant woman. What the hell is wrong with that?

While Mike is rambling on and on, who else but Edward Cullen enters the room all suave and masculine. He saw me with my head tilted back trying to get the last drops of cola goodness and smirked evilly (I swear to God he did it evilly). I dropped the can on the ground so it makes an ominous clinking noise.

Bella's Edward Senses started tingling and she drops Mike's stupid card on her lap. She's in some sort of daze.

"It's you," she said in a soft voice.

"Yeah," he replied uncomfortably. "I should be going."

"No!" Bella called out. "You can stay. My friends were just leaving."

Mike and I stared at the dumb bitch for a second until we understood that we were getting banished from the hospital room. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? Could she _be_ more subtle?

Now I'm sitting here next to Douchebag of the Year who's been glaring at Edward Cullen for the past twenty minutes. The others are off visiting Tyler who might be dead for all I know. Angela told me to stay with Mike and make sure he won't destroy a small village Godzilla-style.

"What's Cullen got that I don't have?" Mike asks all of a sudden.

How do I respond to such an obvious question? Think Stanley! Think!

"I think you're both equally matched." I'm lying through my teeth of course. "Bella is just more interested in him."

See how empathetic I am? I should win a Nobel Prize for empathy. Why does everyone think I can't relate to others? People need to shut the hell up. I frigging rule.

* * *

**Saturday January 30****th**

**My Grandparent's House**

Jesus… it smells like old people in here.

Why does my hair-brained mother drag me here all the time? There's nothing remotely interesting about my grandparent's except for their WWII stories my granddad tells constantly. He really hates Hitler and loves to tell anyone about it. Even the cashiers at the supermarket who have better things to do than listen to an old man blather on and on about hate crimes.

Don't even get me started on my grandmother. She thinks girls should get married when their eighteen. Yup. As soon as they hit adulthood women have to get a husband and have ten thousand babies. As you can see this compromises my feminist beliefs.

FIRST THING LOVELY GRANDMOTHER SAYS WHEN I ENTER HER HUMBLE ABODE THAT SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING CRAWLED UP AND DIED IN IT:

"Jessica! Put on a few pounds I see."

WHO SAYS RIDICULOUS CRAP LIKE THAT TO THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER? I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt faint. I felt physically ill!

"Just ignore her," Mom told me.

HA! How am I supposed to ignore that old hag?

"Has Jessica found a husband yet, Lori?" the ragged, old bat went on to say. "You must think you're never going to have grandchildren."

"I don't need a husband, Grandmother," I said indignantly. "I have a career to think about."

Grandma thought that was absolutely hilarious. "Back in my day, all we had to think about was taking care of our husbands! Career? That's funny, Jessica."

May I remind you that was back in the 1940s when everyone was obsessed with Hitler/war/FDR. This is the twenty-first century! Was grandma even alive back in the 60s?

Jesus Christ…


	7. In Which Bella Is Replaced By a Manatee

**Wednesday February 3****rd**

Ugh. I'm dying.

I'm lying in Mom's bed eating Funyuns, drinking Sunny D and dying. Mom keeps coming in every five freaking seconds asking me if I have mono. I DON'T HAVE MONO MOTHER! I'M DYING! SHOW SOME RESPECT!

When I'm irritable I use caps (if you haven't noticed from my last few entries).

I can just imagine what the kids at school are doing without me there. I'm not even going to bother dreaming of how they're missing me. How they're souls are in agony because I'm not there to tell them hilarious stories about how I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Dying sucks.

"Honey do you want some more Tylenol?" my mom just asked me.

She came in here wearing a freaking respirator. It's like I'm being quarantined or something! Next thing you know she'll show in a hazmat suit. And yes mother. I'd like some Tylenol. Bring me the whole bottle. How many pills does it take to put me in a coma?

Dear God. It's me, Jessica. I'm not going to ask you about my "womanly problems" or how to put on a bra. I'm going to ask you not to kill me before my time. But if you do can I come back as a rich millionaire? That would really rock.

* * *

**Thursday February 4****th**

Thanks God for not smiting me. I really appreciate it. Now can we talk about coincidently placing Bella Swan in front of a mobile school bus? That would kick some major ass. You would make me a very happy woman.

Everything was normal when I returned to Forks High School. And by normal I mean no one noticed I was even gone (except for Angela). I'm not expecting a freaking parade. I would just like for people to causally mention how pleased they were with the fact I was alive.

Bella Swan was still as awesome as ever. It's been a month since she came here and still everyone is obsessed with her. Usually fads fade quickly in old Forks, and that's what I was hoping Bella Swan was. A fad. A poorly dressed fad.

"I don't see why everyone likes her," Lauren complained. It was lunch and Bella was "engrossed" in conversation with the guys.

"She's a nice person," Angela said, again defending my enemy. I don't blame here for being as kind hearted as she is. Who else would want to hang out with Lauren and I? We're horrible.

"Nice?" I echoed. "Princess Diana was nice, Angela. Bella Swan is annoying."

Annoying in a way that makes you want to kick a hobo in the kneecap when no one was looking. Annoying in a way that made you want to pop a six-year olds balloon poodle. Bella Swan makes me want to do horrible sadistic things to middle-class Americans. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!

"And she's, like, _uggo_," Audrey said adding her own vernacular to the conversation. "Where do you think she gets her hair done?"

"God Audrey," Lauren sighed. "Stop drooling."

Audrey looked offended. "I'm so not, Lauren!"

Then both their faces got sort of messed up. Like they were staring into the face of God himself. Or someone like God (but as a highly religious Jew I'm not allowed to compare anything to God). So I turned around and the Cullens we're walking by our table to get to theirs.

You should have seen Bella. She turned her head so fast that even the guys got whip-lash. She kept ogling the Cullens until one of them caught her. The she looked away like she'd been caught making out with a bathroom mirror.

Gross.

* * *

**Lauren's Car**

Even though it's a school night Lauren insists that we all go out on the town. And by "on the town" she means go to Fork's Diner and get smashed. The old prune who works there can't see straight and never asks for ID. It's like taking candy from a blind person.

So it's me, Angela and Bella crammed into the back seat fighting for oxygen. Audrey and Lauren are up from talking about sex for some reason. They have the radio on really loud so I can't hear what they're saying. But the words "sex", "manatees", and "Edward Cullen" keep recurring.

_I want to have sex with Edward Cullen on a manatee._

_I want to have sex with a manatee on Edward Cullen._

_I want a manatee and Edward Cullen to have sex. _

Bella just asked me why I'm writing about Edward Cullen and a manatee having intercourse. I told her that's how babies are made.

* * *

**Fork's Diner**

Audrey and Lauren got so smashed that they had to go to the bathroom and purge. It's only nine o'clock. They're going to ruin their livers.

Bella is sitting in the corner being emo. Lighten up! Everything was fine until Lauren and Audrey started playing drinking games. Every time I said "freaking" they had to take a drink. I must say that a lot.

"Should we help them?" Angela asked after they scurried off the facilities.

"I don't want to see that," I replied. "I've seen enough already."

"Hey you guys," Bella said from her Emo Corner. "Do you know anything about Edward Cullen?"

I've already told her everything there is to know about him. His family is full of perverts who think incest is awesome. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR NOW?

"He's Spiderman," I said.

"What?"

I like to pretend I'm drunk. Then I can make up crazy shit and no one would call me out on it because I'm wasted.

"Edward Cullen is half man half spider," I explained. "But don't tell anyone because you'll blow his cover."

"Are you making fun of me?" Bella said in her monotone.

"Hell no," I said slurring my words purposely. "He's Spiderman. That's how he saved you from getting killed."

Bella blushed, probably remembering how Cullen touched her boob.

AHHH! YOUNG LOVE!

"Jessica is being silly," Angela said giving me a look. "Edward is a normal guy like everyone else in Forks."

Bella shifted nervously in her seat. "Okay."

"Remember Bella," I said wisely. "Great power comes with great responsibility."


	8. In Which Mike Checks Out Ms Stanely

**

* * *

**

Thursday, February 12th

It's like a tidal wave of crazy has hit Forks, Washington.

As everyone in the entire world knows, on February 14th it is Valentine's Day. The day when everyone wears horribly tacky pastels, and make every other person know how much in love they are. For others, it's the day when you brag to your friends how much sex you've had. It makes me nauseous!

But I'm sure if I had someone to share it with I would feel differently.

NOT EDWARD CULLEN! I know what you're thinking, Diary.

_This nutty Jewish chick wants to bone Edward Cullen so bad!! Hee hee! I'm going to run off and tell my other diary friends. _

Well stop right there because I officially do not want to bone Edward Cullen. Not like I ever did in the first place… I just wanted to ask him out. Maybe see a movie and hold hands. Doing him was the last thing on my mind.

I'm serious. Stop looking at me like that.

* * *

**The Shed (aka My New Secret Headquarters)**

The weirdest thing just happened.

After I was done writing out my lusty teenage girl fantasies, someone rang the doorbell. Mom started yelling at me to get it because she was taking a relaxing bubble bath, and reading dirty old ladies books, or whatever. So I drop everything I'm doing (because I'm that awesome of a daughter), and answer the door.

No one was there.

"Did Eric ding-dong ditch me again?" I asked myself becoming furious. Why must men find my pain so very funny? Like the time Mike super-glued my fingers together when I was sleeping. I was out of commission for a whole week. Sure it was fourth grade, but I never forgot. No sir!

I started looking around for a flaming bag of dog-shit, but there was just a crummy bouquet of lilies someone picked out of their backyard. They were even wrapped in a paper towel.

"What the hell?" I said picking up the sopping wet paper towel bouquet.

There was a card attached to it, but it was also wet so the words all ran together. It read something like:

**Douche Yodelers Are Very Tiny**

I found the whole thing painfully adorable. I have a secret admirer! Have you ever heard of a chubby Jewish girl having a secret admirer? Of course you haven't! Because I'm special!

Now if I could only guess who it is…

* * *

**Friday, February 14****th**

Here at the illustrious Forks High School, we have this thing where you can send roses to your beloved sweetheart. Your significant other shall receive said roses in homeroom where everyone can see. How delightful!

NO.

Because every year Lauren and Audrey get a shit load of roses, and I'm stuck with zilch! Nada! Nil! NO ROSES FOR THE CHUBBY JEW! WE DON'T CARE IF SHE GOES HOME AND CRIES HERSELF TO SLEEP!!!!!

"I got one from Tyler!" Lauren swooned. "Isn't that the sweetest thing?"

"Oh my God!" Audrey squealed. "Like totally! He's so into you, Lauren."

"How many roses did you get, Jess?" Lauren asked just to annoy me.

My desk was empty. Not even a petal. Ho hum.

"Don't worry, Jess," Audrey said trying to be helpful. Her pile of roses wasn't making me feel any better. "I'm sure yours just got lost."

Then, like a ray of sunlight from the heavens, someone said, "Look how many Bella got!"

We all turned around, and gasped. Bella's desk was absolutely COVERED in flowers. She looked embarrassed, her cheeks pink and her eyes on her shoes. Can someone feel triumphant and cynical all at the same time?

Lauren and Audrey were pissed beyond words. They could barely speak!!!

Score one for the Jessica!

I don't even feel angry that Swan helped me out a little.

* * *

**Shed (aka The Place Where I Will Likely Kill Myself with Mother's Gardening Tools)**

Guess what just happened!

Mike showed up on my doorstep with GREAT NEWS!

"My mom and your mom are making me go out with you."

ISN'T THAT GREAT? Now where's that weed whacker?

"What?" I asked trying hard not to laugh. Because he looked absolutely ridiculous in this ugly as sin tweed jacket and loafers. "Are you serious?"

"I wish I was kidding," Mike says pulling at his tie. "This is wicked embarrassing."

"You're telling me," I said. "I have to look at you."

"And be seen with me."

"MOTHER!" I shout.

Mom descended the stairs looking drop-dead gorgeous in a red halter dress and pumps. Another date I suppose. She saw Mike standing awkwardly on the doorstep, and swooned.

"Oh Michael!" she said. "You look adorable!"

I half expected her to pinch his cheeks like my great-aunt Maude. Mike, of course, was checking out my mom (which, in my opinion, was totally nasty and unnecessary). So, I directed the conversation back to myself.

"What's this crap about me going out with _Michael_?"

"Well!" Mom said bouncing over to the mirror to apply some lipstick. "Jennifer and I thought it would be a good idea for you two to go out since you have no dates for Valentines."

"Way to meddle and make me feel like crap at the same time," I said. "Two thumbs up."

"Just get ready, Jessie."

How could she do this to me? I was going to stay at home and indulge myself in _The Breakfast Club _and chocolate! Judd Nelson or Mike Newton. This is such a hard decision.

* * *

_A/N: Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion!_

_They actually do that rose thing at my school too. Poor Jessica. I put her through so much trauma. _

_NOW FOR THE POLL:_

_Who would you choose? Judd Nelson or Mike Newton? Or someone else? What a mystery!_


	9. In Which Weirdness Happens

**February 14****th**

**Bathroom at Fork's Diner**

God. Couldn't he have taken me somewhere _fancier_? I know it's not a real date, but he could have put some effort into it. I tried to be as subtle and nonchalant as possible when Mike pulled into the parking lot.

"You're taking me to this dive?" I asked.

"Don't you and your friends come here all the time?" Mike asked, glaring at me. I couldn't take the least bit seriously in that outfit. Ug-ly.

"If only to be ironic," I replied even though the real reason, as I stated in a previous entry, was that the diner was the only place Lauren could get booze. Mike didn't need to know this since he absolutely sucks at keeping secrets.

Example: In sixth grade Mike told everyone that I had a major crush on Dylan Cooper. I thought I could trust him with my deepest secret, but in typical Newton fashion, he blabbed to the entire student body. Dylan Cooper never looked me in the eye after that and even moved to Wyoming two weeks later. That did not help my self-esteem even though Angela tried her best to convince me it was just a coincidence.

"I'm broke," Mike then explained to me. "This is the cheapest place I can think of."

I pursed my lips. It's lovely that he admitted his schumk-ness to me. If he was going on a date with Bella Swan (ha) he would've taken her someplace _way_ fancier. The food here isn't even KOSHER!

"What did you blow all your cash on?" I asked trying to unbuckle myself from the tragedy that was Mike's car. "Condoms?"

He glared at me. I smiled innocently, batting my eyelashes for good measure.

"If you _must_ know." Mike swatted my hands away from the seatbelt so he could give it a go. "I spent it on video games."

"How mature of you."

Mike rolled his eyes and finally got the seatbelt off of me. Once outside the death trap, he removed his ugly-as-sin jacket and threw it in the trunk. Then the trunk refused to close, like it was cursing Mike for putting such a horrible item of clothing in him.

"Jess," he said. "Sit on it."

"Excuse me!" I said indignantly. "Are you implying something?"

"Yeah," Mike said. "I'm implying that your ass is the size of Jupiter."

I raised my fist to punch him in the shoulder. Mike stammered a bit before saying, "C'mon Jess. Everyone knows you're the size of freaking twig."

Can you believe that journal? The man actually complimented me. Although it doesn't quite count as a _whole_ compliment…but it's still nice. So I sat on his stupid trunk which clicked shut immediately. Now we were even.

We went inside the diner and, as if on cue, old prune face started goggling at my breasts. He may be senile, but he's still a pervert. Mike didn't notice at all, missing an excellent opportunity to be chivalrous.

I wonder what Angela's doing? She called me while I was getting ready for my "date" to say that Ben finally asked her out. It added to my depression and Angela, being a wonderful person/Good Samaritan, realized this. After apologizing twenty times, I told her to shut the hell up and enjoy her date.

They can't be kissing. Too revolting. And Angela would never kiss anyone on the first date. Even if it is Ben Cheney aka The Love of her Adolescent Life. Her dad would murder her even though he spent his own teenage years making out with Angela's mom. What a hypocrite.

Journal, you're probably intrigued as to why I'm in the bathroom instead of "enjoying" my faux-date with Mike Newton. You're also probably wondering why I brought you along. To answer the latter:

I'm a journalist by nature and would like my future children to know about this "date". That way they'll know how strong and generous their mother was. Always ready to help a Mike Newton in need.

So I'm in the bathroom because all Mike's been going on about for the past half hour is Bella and Edward. How trashy. Don't go out with a girl and start bitching about Edward Cullen, no matter how much said girl hates said Edward Cullen.

It's the thought that counts.

* * *

**Home (Finally!)**

It seems as though the universe has split into two. I'll tell you all about it.

After our non-Kosher dinner, Mike drove me home. Our mothers insisted we go ice-skating. I insisted we didn't.

"Why not?" Mike asked.

"I suck," I explained simply. "My Jupiter-sized ass would crack the ice."

Mike raised his eyebrows. "That sounds like an exaggeration."

"Every exaggeration is based off of truth," I told him. "Can't you drive any faster? That old lady is shuffling faster than us."

Mike gripped the steering wheel tighter. "I'm staying under the speed limit," he said. "Do you want me to get a ticket?" I opened my mouth to say something clever.

"Shut up," he said curtly.

Mike pulled into my driveway. None of the lights were on meaning my mother was getting busy at someone else's place tonight. I successfully unbuckled the seatbelt without any help, and eased myself out of the car. Mike followed me up to the front stoop.

"I'll see ya tomorrow then," he said sheepishly.

At this point, I DID NOT know what was going on. I was minding my own business, waiting for this yutz to leave me alone. Sometimes I wish we Jews had super powers, like X-Men or some shit like that. My power would be seeing into the future so I would know what happened next. Then maybe all this crap could have been avoided.

Yeah.

He kissed me.

UGH. I can't even write it down without feeling gross. Like back when you were in second grade and boys had cooties. You NEVER wanted them to kiss you. You might've died of some horrible disease.

I couldn't tell if it was an accident or if it was on purpose. He just kissed me. It wasn't long, or anything. It wasn't _dazzling_.

After Mike did the deed, he practically ran to his car, almost falling onto his face in the process.

Leaving me totally confused and grossed out.


	10. In Which Jess Watches Too Many Movies

**February 14th**

After my "date" with Mike Newton, I went upstairs, watched _Roman Holiday_ five times and fell asleep.

(I wish I was skinny like Audrey Hephburn. I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish!!!)

* * *

**Thursday February 19****th**

So far, no one has learned of The Incident. If any of my obnoxious friends find out about The Incident, I will never hear the end of it. Mike hasn't talked to me for a whole week. He hasn't called my on the phone, he hasn't come over to my house, he hasn't thrown a single snowball at my face.

Is it weird that I miss him?

Lauren and Angela have noticed my strange gloominess and lack of Newton. They dragged me to the bathroom during gym to interrogate. Lauren was **Bad Cop**. Angela was **Understanding but Firm Cop**.

_Our beautiful, tragic, angst-ridden heroine _JESSICA STANLEY _has been forcefully brought to the interrogation room by _BC and UBFC.

BC: What the hell is wrong with you lately? You haven't once shamelessly made fun of me all week?

JESSICA: I have no idea what you're talking about. You know I only shamelessly make fun of you behind your back. It's, like, a rule.

UBFC: Jessica. Please. Is everything okay with your mom?

BC: Are you on your period? Take a freaking Midol!

UBFC: Are you upset about something? Are you failing Home Economics again?

JESSICA: I thought that was going to be an easy grade. It's not my fault I set the oven on fire.

UBFC: Five times.

BC: Are you pregnant? No wonder you look so bloated.

_The beautiful, tragic, angst-ridden _JESSICA STANLEY _shoves _BC_'s head down the toilet while _UBFC _looks on in silent appreciation. _

Okay. That last part didn't happen. But all the dialogue was correct.

There was no way in hell that I was going to reveal the truth about The Incident. I would never be able to show my face in school again. It was probably a fluke, anyway. Mike was just messing with me, like usual. This was all part of an elaborate plot to drive me completely nuts.

* * *

**Sunday, February 22****rd**

I'm starting to _really_ hate my mother.

I wanted her to come with me to the cemetery so we could pay our respects to my father, but she drunkenly declined. Because guess what? She had another date tonight with What's-His-Name, and needed 5+ hours to get ready for it.

I was so mega pissed off that I stole the car keys from her purse, and drove to the cemetery by myself. On the way I considered crashing her car into something Billy Joel-style, but thought better of it. I was going to get in trouble for stealing her car anyway.

First, I must tell you: my mother has the shittiest car in the universe. Even worse than Mike Newton's (who still isn't talking to me, by the way). The windshield in cracked on the passenger's side, the seats are falling apart, the car doors don't shut all the way, and the brakes squeaked. I was afraid that the thing was going to fall apart while I was driving it.

It sort of made me miss Mike a little bit more. But I quickly through that thought out the window, and promptly ran it over like a dead skunk.

My dad actually died in the summer, but I visit him once or twice a month. I bring a radio along with me, so we can listen to Frank Sinatra sing about New York and falling in love.

I lay down next to his gravestone, and set the radio on my stomach. Frank started to sing and I started to talk.

* * *

**Wednesday, February 25****th**

So I go into school today, and the walls are plastered with flyers for the upcoming Spring Dance. They were printed on bright neon paper, so you couldn't miss them.

Lauren ran up to me, clutching a bright green flyer. "Oh my fucking God," she said. "Can you believe this?"

"They should have used better paper," I said. "I'm getting a headache."

Lauren pursed her lips and gave me 'Jess-you're-such-a-moron' look.

"No," she said like she was talking to a three year old. "I can't believe the dance is coming up so fast! Do you think Tyler's going to ask me?"

I stared at her. Was she serious? Did she honestly think that Tyler Crowley, a Bella Swan lover, was going to ask Lauren, the anti-Bella, to the spring dance?

"Totally," I said, giving the generic answer that she probably wanted to hear in the first place.

"I think Mike's going to ask you," Lauren said.

Silence.

"Run that by me again?" I said.

Lauren rolled her eyes. "I swear to God, Jess. Do you ever listen to anything people tell you? Does it go through one ear and out the other?"

"Yeah, yeah," I said grabbing Lauren by the bony shoulders. "I have the attention span of a squirrel. Now what did you say about Mike?"

Lauren removed my hands from her shoulders, like they were filthy rags or something. Then she took her sweet fucking time repeating herself. She was a true sadist, through and through.

"Well," she finally said. "Erik who told Lee who told Samantha who told Tyler who told Angela who told _me_ that Mike wants to ask you to the dance."

I automatically went into Jessica Stanley Jewish Zombie mode. My eyes got sort of wide, and my mouth refused to close. Lauren waved me good-bye and skipped away to torture someone else for a while.

* * *

**Home**

After I found out that Mike Newton might want to ask me the spring freaking dance, I went upstairs, watched _Pretty in Pink_ seven times and fell asleep.

(Damn. I wish Andie ended up with Duckie instead of Blane. I don't care if Blane _is_ rich and totally handsome. Duckie is _way_ sweeter.)


	11. In Which Jess Is Humiliated

**Saturday February 26****th**

It's too early in the morning to be writing, but I might forget about this when I wake up. But the thing is: my early-morning-handwriting is atrocious. Oh well.

So I was enjoying a blissful night's sleep (probably dreaming about Gerard Butler or some other handsome European man) when Lauren freaking called me on my freaking cell-phone. It took me approximately three rings to locate said freaking cell-phone since it was under a pile of sweaters.

"Oh my fucking God!" I said, absolutely livid/horrified/etc. "Lauren? Why the hell are you calling me at three in the morning?"

"It's that early?" Lauren then asked with the nonchalance of one who has no brain. "I had no idea."

"What the hell do you want?" I asked, fully awake now.

"Calm down, nut-job," Lauren said. "This is an important call containing important information. You might want to listen to what I say for once."

I sighed. Even if I protested, Lauren was going to tell me anyway. She could've won an award for spilling the beans.

"So remember when I told you that Mike wanted to ask you to the girl's choice spring dance?"

I cut in. "Please! Everyone knows that the 'girl's choice spring dance' is _so_ sexist."

Lauren paused, taking in what I had just said. "How? In what fucking way, Jessica Ruth Stanley, is that sexist?"

"The Man is throwing us a fucking bone!" I exclaimed, ignoring the fact that my mother was sleeping soundly in the next room. "He's saying: 'A woman's only decision in her high school life is choosing which douche should accompany her to the _spring dance_'."

Lauren sighed deeply. I could see her rolling her eyes and thinking how loony I was.

"Can we get back to the matter at hand, _please_?" Lauren said. "No more interruptions, Alice Paul."

I stayed quiet and let her speak. Lauren took in a big breath like she always did before she gossiped.

"So Mike doesn't want to ask you," Lauren explained. "He wants to ask Bella."

Of course. I wanted to kick myself. Mike Newton only had goofy, love-struck eyes for Bella Swan who only had crazy, stalker eyes for Edward Cullen. How the hell could they have mixed up me and Bella? We are polar opposites! Ugh. I weep for our future.

"Are you okay sweetie?" Lauren asked. Her voice was surprisingly soothing and calm. "Do you need to cry? I'm totally here for you if you need to cry."

"Shut up," I said. "I'm not crying over Mike Newton."

I hung up the phone before she could say anything else and shoved it back under my pile of sweaters. The whole thing is pretty dumb and juvenile. My friends cannot be trusted with things such as my well-being and my feelings. I should've known that Mike wanted to ask Bella.

So why did he kiss _me_?

* * *

**Sunday February 27****th**

I called an emergency sleepover/meeting at my house. We've been having these things since fifth grade when Angela's first boyfriend, Franklin Church, broke up with her via me. In retrospect, this was a horrible idea on his part. Because after he told me I broke his nose.

Anyway, Lauren and Angela showed up a couple minutes later carrying, like, five containers of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I almost cried tears of joy.

"First off," I said after we stationed ourselves in the living room. Lauren was lounging on the sofa; Angela was sitting near Laurens' perfectly pedicured feet and I was spread out on the floor near the ice cream. "No more calling me at all hours of the night. It gives me headaches."

Lauren shrugged and stuffed a small amount of ice cream in her mouth. Damn her self-control.

"You should call Bella and warn her," Lauren said.

"Lauren, please," Angela sighed.

"Why the hell is everyone on my case?" Lauren asked defensively. She turned to look at me. "_Do it_."

How the hell could I argue with that? So I called Bella's house while trying to shut up Lauren who had burst into a fit of spontaneous laughter.

Charlie Swan picked up. "Hello?"

"Is Bella home?" I asked lamely. "It's Jessica Stanley."

"Jessica!" Charlie sounded elated to hear from me. Incidentally, he and my mom sort of "hit it off" a few years ago. It was a bleak time in the Stanley household. I have a bunch of angsty power ballads I wrote to prove it. "Jessica, Jessica, Jessica! How's it going?"

Translation: **How's your smoking hot mom?**

Old men can be so horny.

"Oh…" I said throwing my shoe at Lauren's head. She dodged with excellent precisions, but toppled onto Angela. "Swimmingly."

"Good," Charlie said. "One sec. Bella! Phone!"

Angela untangled herself from Lauren and crawled away to seek refuge.

"Hello?" Bella said.

"Hi," I said. "So, uh, did you hear about the dance?"

Bella hesitated. "Oh yeah. I don't think I'm going. I suck at dancing."

"Everyone sucks at dancing," I said remembering the time when I single handedly destroyed the Halloween dance with my spastic dancing.

Lauren sat extremely close to me, trying to hear what Bella was saying. I pushed her away, but she wouldn't budge. She really did Pilates!

"We'll really miss you," I lied.

Lauren stuck her finger down her throat and made a gagging noise. Then she gingerly took the phone away from me, looking quite devious. Angela bit her lip and her eyes widened a little.

"Looooookkkkkk ouuuuuuttttt, Jeeeesssssiiiiicccaaaa!" her eyes said.

I ignored them the same way I ignore all of her advice.

"I'm thinking of asking Mike," Lauren said, poorly imitating my voice. I mean, it's not that high is it? "Can I have your permission, Bella-kins?"

I made a 'what-the-fuck' face, and snatched the phone back.

"Of course, Jess," Bella was saying. "You don't need to ask me."

I glared at Lauren so hard my eyes were about to pop out of my face. She had to bite her lips so she wouldn't start laughing again.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked helplessly. "You weren't planning on asking him?"

"Oh God no," the Queen of the Universe said. There's no way she would succumb to dating peasant scum like Mike Newton.

"Okay then," I said miserably. "I'll see you later."

Afterward I threw the phone at Lauren's grinning face. She caught it in and then started dialing another number.

"What the hell are you doing now you she-devil?" I asked.

Lauren held up one slim finger while she spoke. "Hi Mike. It's me, Jess."

I sat there, my ass frozen to the Oriental carpet. Was she seriously doing was I think she was doing? Lauren was possibly the worst friend I ever had. She even beat out Bella Swan.

"You know about the dance, right?" Lauren said twirling a piece of blond hair around her finger. "Well I was wondering…"

I lunged for the phone, practically knocking over a lamp on the way, but Lauren pushed me down her superhuman strength. Then she sat on me. The bitch sat on me. Her bony ass hurt! I probably have bruises.

Anyway, Lauren asked Mike if he would go with me to the dance. After she got her answer and hung up, she laughed so hard she almost fell over (which would have been a good thing in my case).

"What?" Angela and I asked.

"He turned you down?" Lauren replied, wiping away a tear in her eye. "He's going to ask Bella."

That prick.

What did I ever do to him?

* * *

**A/n: I've just realized this story has no plot whatsoever...oh well! **

**At the beginning of this Lauren was supposed to just be an annoying road-block in Jessica's path to self-righteousness, but now she's becoming more of a devil's advocate. Thanks for reading!**


	12. In Which There Are Obtuse References

**Monday, February 28****th**

Pat Benatar was right. Love _is_ a battlefield. For some reason I want to blow up Mike's head with an M-80.

At lunch I completely ignored the bastard. He didn't deserve to talk to me. Instead I chose to speak with Eric which turned out to be even more unsettling than talking to He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless.

"What's with you and Mikey?" Eric asked, poking me in the arm with his spork (which are the X-Men of eating utensils). "Having a lover's quarrel?"

"Hardly," I said. "He's being an asshole."

"What else is new?"

I glanced over at the end of the lunch table where Mike was trying to have a conversation with Bella. She was half-listening, as usual. Too busy "observing" the Cullens. God, I'm a resentful shrew.

"Who are you going to the dance with, Eric?" Angela asked, trying desperately to lighten conversation.

If there was an Olympic sport dedicated to changing the subject, Angela would win the gold medal. I would be her coach of course, since she has practiced the art of subject changing on me her entire life.

Angela's question made Eric unusually uncomfortable. He coughed and jerked his head in Bella's direction. I groaned dramatically.

"You have got to be joking," I said.

Angela pursed her lips and gave me her signature 'shut-up-now' look. I ignored her as tradition dictated.

"Mike's already taking _her_," I told him.

Eric glared at me. "Oh. So you just automatically assume I'm asking Bella?"

"I'm not assuming."

Eric and I stared daggers at each other for a solid three minutes before her caved in. I smiled triumphantly and sat back in my chair. Naturally Eric had to ruin my moment.

"Are you jealous or something, Stanley?" Eric asked. "I never thought you were the type."

"I'm _not_ jealous," I said primly.

Then Lauren appeared out of thin air, slamming her half-empty lunch tray on the table. Eric and I forgot out "spat" and gave her our full attention (she liked that).

"What's your problem, Lauren-kins?" I asked.

"Tyler Crowley is an asshole!" she shouted.

Said Tyler Crowley was sitting with Mike fighting for Bella's attention. He had not heard Lauren's enraged shouting which was kind of weird if you think about it. No really. The whole lunch room heard Lauren shouting. Tyler must be deaf.

"I think you're overreacting," Angela said soothingly.

"Uh…no!" Lauren said shoving a lettuce leaf in her mouth. I wish I had the self-control to eat only a salad for lunch. I glanced forlornly at my tray full of chicken potpie and tater-tots. "Guess what the jerk _did_!"

"What did he do?" Angela, Eric and I asked leaning closer.

"Well," Lauren said looking pleased. She enjoyed having such an interested audience. "When I asked him to the dance he said no. Why? Because he's already going to ask-"

"Bella," we chorused.

Lauren pouted. "Why is everyone so deranged about this girl? Seriously!"

Eric opened his mouth to list all of Bella's excellent qualities, but I stepped on his foot before he could say anything. I don't need to hear about The Queen of the Fucking Universe while I'm eating. Totally ruins my appetite.

* * *

**Home**

Mike called me after I got home from school. My mother almost fainted from utter joy.

"Are you two finally…"she lowered her voice. "_going steady_?"

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

Urban dictionary defines "going steady" as: **what white kids in the 50's called dating**. Sorry Mom. I'm not an extra in _Bye Bye Birdie. _

Anyway, I didn't want to talk to Mike, let alone go steady with him. But my mother looked so excited that if I didn't talk to him I would feel guilty until I did something to balance out my karma. And who knows how long that would take!

"What do you want?" I snapped once my mother was out of the room.

"This is important," Mike said.

Important to Mike Newton was in fact not very important to anyone else. He thinks differently than normal human beings. He probably found his mom's tampons and called me to ask how they worked.

"Do you think Bella would go to the dance with me?" Mike asked, very seriously I might add. "And if yes, then how should I ask her?"

**Blah blah blah blah**. That's all I was hearing. Like on those old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adults were incapable of forming sentences.

"I don't know," I said. "Sky-writing? A singing telegram? I honestly couldn't care less about your romantic escapades."

"Why are you bitchy?" Mike asked. "Are you on birth control pills?"

I've been friends with geek since birth. Why? I haven't the faintest idea.

"Why are you all so obsessed with Bella Swan?" I asked, ignoring Mike's juvenile comments. "She's not so special."

"Yeah she is," Mike argued. "She's different."

I didn't say anything. There was just a loud, awkward silence. I wanted him to feel my wrath. Boy did he feel it. I made _sure_.

"Whatever do you mean, Michael?" I asked.

"Well," Mike said nervously. I could tell he was about to piss his pants. "She…she…"

"Tell me," I said. "If you like this chick so damn much why did you kiss _me_?"

Another loud silence… except this time I was feeling my own stupidity. For the record, I didn't mean to say that. It kind of slipped out. Words slip out of my mouth like vomit. Nasty, ugly word vomit. I wish I could control it, but it's out of my jurisdiction.

"Okay!" I said, my voice becoming unnaturally shrill. "Let's just forget I said that. You should definitely ask Miss Teen Queen Arizona to the dance. Maybe you can use a blimp. Girls like blimps."

Then I hung up.

* * *

**Wednesday, March 2****nd**

**Attempt #1: Mike Newton**

He asked her during biology (apparently the "girl's choice" aspect of the "girl's choice spring dance" has been forgotten). I was in English, fighting for woman's rights in literature and getting shot down by Mr. Mason, so I didn't get to see it go down. Luckily Angela was there!

"I don't think it's my place to gossip," she said. We had convinced Angela to skip gym so we could discuss Mike's humiliation in private.

"Just tell us, Mother Teresa," Lauren said, rolling her eyes.

Angela looked like she was going to cry, so I promised to buy her a strawberry milkshake after school and she gave in.

"Bella's not going to the dance," Angela reported. "She's going to Seattle."

Lauren looked a bit let down. She was expecting something more exciting, I'm sure. But nothing thrilling ever happens in Forks. You get used to it after a while.

"Then she said that Mike should take you," Angela said smiling at me. Lauren stifled a laugh while I shuddered. "After all that was over, Bella had some sort of staring contest with Edward Cullen. At least…that's what it looked like."

Lauren slapped a hand to her forehead. "No frigging way! She's falling for Cullen? Remember the last girl who went after him?"

Oh yes I did. Charlotte Morgan was the nubile New Girl last year. She fell head over heels in groupie love with Cullen and never shut her mouth. Now she dresses all in black, mourning her lost love/broken heart/missing brain. Everyone thinks she's crazy.

SEE?! Proof that Edward Cullen, in large doses, makes you nutter-butters.

"Poor Mike," Angela said.

"Poor Mike" wasn't at lunch today. He had locked himself in a bathroom stall and wrote nasty things about Cullen on the wall in sharpie marker.

**Attempt #2: Eric Yorkie**

I got to see this one first hand via a bush in the school parking lot. The rad thing about Forks is that there's a lot of greenery for you to hide behind. Excellent spying.

Lauren and I followed Eric to Bella's truck and dove behind a nice looking bush. Angela refused to partake in the spying, instead going to diner to wait for her promised strawberry milkshake. Bella appeared moments later. She looked totally freaked out… probably because Eric looked like a leering pervert.

"He needs to wash his hair," Lauren whispered.

"Shut up!" I hissed back.

We couldn't hear that well, but I did make out Eric getting turned down too. Poor thing. I must remember to give him a compliment some time tomorrow.

"Going to Seattle, my ass," Lauren said as we walked to her car, already bored of Eric's misery. "She's lying."

"How can you tell?" I asked, interested.

"I'm the Queen of Lying," Lauren answered proudly. "I bet she's a prostitute. Hot child in the city, and all that jazz."

I mulled this over as Lauren pulled out of her parking space. There was a long line of cars trying to get out of the parking lot themselves thanks to Tyler's car.

He left it running with the damn door open so he could talk to Bella. What an asshole.

"Does he have to do this now?" I said.

"Yell in Hebrew," Lauren said grinning.

I sighed. Yell in Hebrew was a game we made up after my Bat Mitzvah. We were at the town pool waiting in line for the snack bar. There was this random bikini girl chatting up the cashier so there was this mega long line in people. The point of Yell in Hebrew was to make everyone in line fucking annoyed. In my opinion, no one wins.

"Yell in Hebrew," Lauren said again. She didn't seem angry about Tyler, but you can never tell with her. "You know swears right?"

Yes. As a matter of fact I do.

So I Yelled in Hebrew out the window like the game dictated. Everyone started yelling English swears at me (with such classics as "fat-ass", "dumb bitch" and "fucking midget"). I swear this town is so white bread.

Oh! That was **Attempt #3** by the way. I later found out it was a dud.

* * *

**A/n: This chapter contains a lot of references to stuff xD **


	13. In Which Mike and Jess are Buddies

**Thursday, March 3****rd**

Madness! My whole entire universe has just been exploded! All my values are being questioned! It's Armageddon! Ho-ly shit.

Bella Swan sat with the one and only Eddy Cullen today at lunch. The whole school is buzzing with insane rumors only morons would believe. Incidentally, 95% of Forks, Washington is made up of morons.

The first thing I noticed when I entered the cafeteria was the Three Stooges (Mike, Tyler and Eric) brooding at our table. They were obviously still upset over the whole 'Bella-turned-us-down-for-no-reason' episode. The next thing I noticed was Cullen sitting all by himself.

The fuck?

He NEVER sits by himself. I've known him for three years and never saw him sitting by himself at lunch. He looked so vulnerable and strange without his little incest entourage surrounding him. But the weirdest thing by far was the fact that he was staring at Bella like she was a life-time supply of Little Debbie cupcakes. I literally saw drool.

"I think Edward Cullen's staring at you," I said against my better judgment.

Bella, who previously was engrossed in her own intelligent thoughts, snapped out of it when she heard Cullen's name. Maybe I should slip it into conversation more often? Can you imagine?

Then Cullen started beckoning her over and winking like a child predator. _"Want some candy, Bella??"_

"Does he mean you?" I asked, raising my eyebrows in mock disbelief. Because who else would he want? Me? Good one. Cullen doesn't like fat chicks.

Bella mumbled something about biology homework before scurrying over to her beloved Edward, leaving me to wonder what the H-E-double hockey sticks was going on.

The table was in an uproar. Mike looked like Cullen just shot some puppies.

"What just happened?" Lauren asked. "Did the universe just shift? Is this a dream? Are we stuck in some parallel dimension?"

"What's so great about Cullen?" Mike ranted. Eric and Tyler nodded in agreement. I half-expected them to jump Cullen in the parking lot after school.

"IMHO," Lauren said (her vocab is chock full of chat-speak). "I think they're both asshats. They deserve each other."

I agreed whole-heartedly while the boys protested that Bella was a precious flower that could not be harmed by our venomous verbal abuse. For the remainder of lunch, we kept a close eye on Bella and Edward. I didn't even try to eat my greasy pizza.

"They are totally screwing each other," Lauren announced.

Mike gaped like Billy the Big Mouthed Bass. I really wanted him to bust into a rendition of 'Take Me to the River'.

"You, madam, are wrong," Eric said.

Lauren sniffed indignantly. "I call 'em like I see 'em."

"You must have bad eyes," I said, because I didn't believe her either.

Angela sighed. "Can we leave them alone? Just for today?"

Lauren pulled out her leather Gucci purse and started rifling through all the crap she had stored in there. She pulled out a condom and smiled.

"We should give this to them," Lauren said. "Just in case. We don't want any asshats babies running around."

Mike snatched the condom out of Lauren's hand and chucked it into the nearest garage can.

"You should really recycle those," I said.

Lauren giggled while the boys returned to their sulking.

What babies.

* * *

**Home**

I got sent to the principal's office. Again.

Apparently I was being "disruptive" in English and Mr. Mason was having it. I was just asking why we had to read _The Taming of the Shrew_ in a really loud voice.

"Why is everyone calling Katherina a shrew when she is obviously just stating her opinion?" I shouted. "And why is Petruchio such a prick?"

"Stanley!" Mr. Mason shouted back. "Why do you insist on yelling every class period?"

Then he sent me to the principal's office before I could think of a good response. After the old geezer lectured me about keeping my trap shut, I left the office feeling refreshed. A nice trip to the principal's always leaves me in good spirits. I have no idea why I'm like this. Maybe I'm a masochist.

Who even gives a shit? The real juicy news is what I saw after I left. Mike was leading Bella to the nurse's office. She looked like she was going to vomit all over the place.

Seriously, Bella was about to faint at any second. I was waiting for her to be air-lifted to the nearest hospital. Oh wait! No need for the helicopter, boys. We got ourselves a state of the arc Edward Cullen.

He arrived as if by magic to whisk Bella away to God knows where. I'm not kidding. He picked the bitch up. If he tried that move on me his arms would fall off.

Then Cullen pranced away leaving Mike Bella-less and balls-less. I just had to go over and antagonize him. It's my duty as his best friend.

"Is he a stud or what?" I said, grinning broadly.

Mike didn't say anything. He didn't even give me a dirty look. I must be getting rusty.

"I'm Ross," is all he said.

"Ex-squeeze me?" I said.

Mike looked really serious. Like he wasn't even aware of the shit he was spewing.

"Don't you see, Jessica?" Mike said. "I'm fucking Ross."

"From _Friends_?"

"Yeah," Mike went on. "I'm Ross Fucking Gellar from Friends."

I enjoyed this metaphor, so I went along with it. "Ross and Rachel went out. Remember?"

"Season One Ross Fucking Gellar," Mike corrected himself. "What's wrong with me? Am I deformed?"

"In the head, yes," I replied, gently.

"Is Cullen doing this to spite me?" Mike asked, ignoring me. "He knows I like her. Why is he such a dick?"

At least he agrees with on _something_. Go Team Jessica!

"IMHO," I said, imitating Lauren. "I think you should give up. Bella's never going to go out with you."

"Newtons never give up, Jess."

"It's because they're brain damaged, isn't it?"

Mike smiled and gave me a buddy-pat on the shoulder. Yup. I 'let's-have-a-brewsky-and-pick-up-chicks' buddy-pat. I have no fucking idea why I'm so aggravated.

"I think you should be nicer to Bella," Mike said. "Everyone would be happier if we got along."

He was ruining our non-existence moment, the bastard. In my God honest opinion, everyone would get along better if Bella left town. Everything would be exactly like was before she came and fucked up my life. I mean, it sucked before, but not as much when she wasn't here. It's a horrible thing to think, but I never said I was perfect.

Do me a favor," Mike said.

I've done him enough favors to last a lifetime. I've put up with his shit since day one. But I said yes anyway to make up for all my negative hopes and dreams.

"Don't tell anyone about this," he said. "The Edward and Bella thing."

He made me pinky-swear even after I swore to secrecy. I'm not that big of a gossip.

I'll only tell Angela.

* * *

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while. School has started recently and it's been draining all my creative juices D: I'll try to write more when I have the chance. **

**I LUFF U ALL!**


	14. In Which There's A SemiSecret Mission

**Thursday, March 3****rd**

As a typical angsty/disgruntled teenager a lot of things tend to set me off. Like when my mother uses all the hot water in the shower or when Coach Clapp forces us to run in the freezing cold wearing short-shorts.

At the top of my list is: meeting Mommy's insufferable boyfriends.

They're usually real cheesy looking with fake tans, blindingly white teeth and Armani suits. Some of them bring my gifts like they're trying to impress me. Sorry! I cannot be bought, you cheesy bastards. But maybe I'm just being a heartless wench again. These cheesy bastards never expected the seemingly perfect and sexy woman they would be banging would have a bitchy, cynical teenage daughter.

Whenever I see one I think about my dad. He would've _hated_ the guys my mother went out with. Not because she was seeing other people, but because they weren't good enough for her. He was a real idiot, my dad. Believed in some "gentlemen's code" that he always blathered on about.

Seriously. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, spread jackets over rain puddles…the list goes on.

My mom was a lot happier back then. She pretends to be happy now, but I can see right through her. Every time she goes out with another yutz it just makes her miss him even more.

Sometimes he would put on his old Sinatra records and ask my mom to dance with him in this funny James Bond voice. My mom laughed as he spun her around and dipped her so low her head almost touched the floor.

Then he would ask me if I wanted to try. I was, like, ten at the time so I wasn't aware of how cheesy the whole thing was (a good cheesy, mind you. Not the "Mom's-Boyfriend-Cheese"). He let me stand on his feet while he spun me around the living room.

Usually I would hate all this sentimental bullshit, but since it's _my_ sentimental bullshit I guess it's alright.

* * *

**Friday, March 4****th**

Lauren caught up with me before I went to Trig.

"Jessica Ruth Stanley," she said in this weird, serious voice.

"Don't say that in public," I told her.

Lauren rolled her eyes in a 'yeah-whatever-I-don't-give-a-shit' sort of way. Then she got all creepy serious again.

"Your mission," she said. "If you choose to accept it-"

"I don't."

"_Shhhh!_" Lauren said, covering my mouth with her hand. I didn't think that was very sanitary and promptly spread Germ-X all over my mouth afterwards. "Your mission is to get Bella to tell us all about her little rendezvous with Eddie-kins at lunch yesterday."

I stared at her, not blinking. "You mean… talk to her and stuff?"

Lauren nodded vigorously. For some reason, prying into someone else's business was fun for her (although she hardly got her own hands dirty). Lauren's world was full of little games she played with other people. Whether they knew it or not.

"This is totally important, Agent Stanley. I need something to make the boys _furious_!"

"They just talked," I pointed out.

"Maybe Eddie-kins slipped her a roofie in the applesauce," Lauren suggested. "and had his way with her in the parking lot."

"That's unlikely."

Lauren called me a "fucking midget" and dashed away to her next class. She accidentally ran into Mr. Mason who shouted, "Mallory! Who the hell do you think you are? Jessie Owens?"

To which Lauren said, "Who the hell's Jessie Owens?"

* * *

**Later**

Mission failed. Bella refused to say anything about her conversation with Edward Cullen. It took everything I had not to mention the Superman stunt Cullen pulled yesterday.

Mike told me she almost fainted during blood testing in Bio. Everyone was super worried and thought she was dead. Again. I know blood testing sucks balls, but no one ever _fainted_. Although in my Bio class I did see Jasper Hale almost have a mental breakdown. His incest-partner-for-life, Alice Cullen, has to calm him down.

Speaking of Cullens, Eddie-kins wasn't in school today. He's probably fighting a psychological battle with himself in the Bat Cave. Poor Alfred. He always has to deal with this shit.

Bella, a scared little lamb without Super Shepherd Cullen to guide her, stared blankly at the Cullen's table, her mouth slightly open.

"She's making me ill," Lauren said. "Can you catch something from stupid?"

"Apparently not," I said. "We hang out with you all the time."

Mike jumped in, explaining to us, in great detail, how "wicked rad" our beach trip was going to be tomorrow. Everyone gave him a 'what-the-fuck' look.

"Beach trip?" Eric asked. "I was not notified of this."

"When did you plan this?" Lauren asked.

Mike looked at us like we just announced Santa Claus had offed himself and there would be no Christmas this year.

"I've been talking about this for months," Mike said. "I was just telling Tyler yesterday."

Tyler just shrugged and continued to enjoy his cold Sloppy Joe.

"Are we invited?" I asked.

"Yes!"Mike shouted. "A whole shitload of people are coming."

"I'm allergic to sand," Angela said out of the blue. "I have to bring my EpiPen."

"For sand?" Eric asked.

She then everyone started to discuss Angela's sand allergy while Mike's head exploded from anger.

* * *

**Even Later **

My mom was worried about the beach trip when I told her about it at dinner. It was a rare occasion since she was usually on dates with the cheesy bastards.

"What if you get lost?" she asked in her paranoid-Mom voice. "Or murdered? I've watched those 20/20 specials, Jessica."

"It's the beach, Mom," I said. I mostly hated when she got like this, but it was nice to have her worry about me sometimes. "And my friend's are going to be there."

"Angela's allergic to sand."

"I know. I still don't get that."

She made me pack a bottle of pepper spray anyway. Just in case of bear or shitfaced boys.

* * *

**Should I change the rating of this to M? There's a lot of swearing in this...**

**As for Mr. Mason....I really like the idea of teachers swearing at people. Some of my teachers do it me.**


	15. In Which There Is Major Taffy Lust

**Saturday, March 5****th**

pineapple. pineapple. pineapple.

i want a pineapple.

i can't find my special edition dvd of Mannequin. this is a conundrum.

i think i am drunk. wait. i'll try to say the alphabet backwards…

holy fudge i am drunk. har har har. i am so silly.

* * *

**Sunday, March 6****th**

I woke up today with my cheek stuck to a page in my journal. I probably have the worst hangover in the history of hangovers. My drunk-self is a silly seven year old girl with a craving for tropical fruits and Kim Cattrall.

I can remember most of what happened yesterday at the beach trip, but the ending is kind of fuzzy. I hope I didn't sleep with anyone by accident. That would be horrible. Well…if I did sleep with someone accidentally, Lauren would have already called asking about the gory details.

Let's see.

**9:20**: Met up with everyone at Newton Olympic Outfitters. I doubt any Olympiads actually shop here. The store is plagued by the evil wench Karen Newton. Her interests include being passive aggressive toward the lovely Jessica Stanley because she is a total bitch to her idiot man-child son.

**9:30**: Everything is going swimmingly until Bella Swan, the epitome of pure, unadulterated malevolence, shows up. Mike promptly switches into doofus man-child mode.

**9:35-10:15**: The drive down to La Push is as awkward as it is hysterical. Bella, as an act of goodwill, insists that I sit next to Mike. She still thinks that I'm into Mike. I am disgusted and accidentally picture me holding hands with Mike Newton. Gross. I am appalled at my imagination. Mike has his mother's stupid old lady music on in the car which sparks a riot. You can't air guitar to 'Lady in Red'.

**10:30:** Mike entertains Bella by showing her how to make a driftwood fire. "Look," Lauren says. She's sucking on a grape Blow-Pop so her tongue is a strange purple color. "He's seducing her. Isn't that so Mr. Darcy of him?" Boo.

**10:45-11:45**: A small group of us decide to go hiking in the woods. Normally I wouldn't want to be involved in anything that requires exercise, but Mike bet Eric ten dollars that I would pass out from exhaustion, and lack of snack cakes. Lauren wore some fancy Prada shoes on the trip which didn't make any sense. "It's not my fault," she says. "I like shoes, goddammit!"

(By the way, I didn't pass out from exhaustion. I did fall into a wave pool and almost kill a fish.)

**12:00:** When we return to the beach, Lauren and the other girls are enticing the locals with their spoiled Gossip Girl antics. They probably think we're a bunch of airheads. THANK YOU LAUREN.

**12:15**: Mike and I follow some of the locals up to this store. It smells like salt and peppermint. I am excited because there is a large amount of salt-water taffy just sitting on the check-out counter. Salt-water taffy and I have a history together. When I was ten I ate a shit load of taffy and got really sick. I was out of commission for a week. Obviously, I spent all my money on the taffy and an adorable hat.

**12:20**: A handsome local boy starts flirting with me. For sure. I am not lying. All the other stuff might not have happened, but this definitely did. He had it so bad for Jessica Stanley. Like he was telling me how pretty I was in my new hat and bought me some more taffy. Oh my God.

**12:30**: Mike Newton had to ruin this of course. "Jessica we have to go back to the beach," he said really fast so his words all melded together. I wasn't listening to him because A.) He wasn't my dad and B.) He wasn't buying me taffy. Handsome Man is like, "Oh. Sorry I took you away from your **boyfriend**." Boo.

**12:45: **Bella is lost. Where the fuck did she go? I don't care.

**1:15**: Eventually we find Bella engrossed in conversation with another local kid. She's working the eyelashes, which amuses me. I've never seen Bella flirt before. It's kind of funny. Like a car crash you can't look away from. Or when a clown falls off his unicycle and you just think _This isn't funny, so why am I laughing anyway?_

This is where it gets sort of fuzzy. I remember Lauren and I ditching the trip because we were both bored and pissed off. I was in a jealous rage because Bella was getting all the attention again. Lauren was pissed because she got stung by a bee. What an odd pair we are.

Damn. Why can't I remember? I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that I did something stupid.

* * *

**The Shed **

FUCKSHITOHMYGODWTFBBQ!

Lauren is sitting outside of The Shed of Shame impatiently waiting for me to come out and face the truth. She showed up at my house around noon to deliver the embarrassing news. Leading me to the sofa, Lauren handed me a sour apple Blow-Pop.

"You're going to need this," she said.

"Oh my God," I said. "What did I do, Lauren? What did I do? Sour apple Blow-Pops mean only one thing, Lauren. Lauren, Lauren, Lauren!!!"

Lauren slapped me across the face. "Shut it, Stanley. You fucked up last night. You are the worst drunk I have ever seen."

I almost passed out. "What did I do?"

Here's what I did:

While being in a drunken state, I dialed Mike Newton's phone number. I dialed Mike Newton's phone number to pour out my heart and soul to him. While pouring out my heart and soul, I might have accidentally let it slip that I had a secret subconscious crush on him.

DEAR MOSES WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

I am never leaving this shed. I will live off of the pumpkin seeds and tulip bulbs. I will drink my own tears of shame and embarrassment.

Boo.

* * *

**For anyone who's seen New Moon yet: How was Jessica? Was she amazing? xD **

**Anna Kendrick makes me a happy camper :D**


	16. In Which There Is Angry Girl Rawk

**Monday March 7****th**

I've decided never to go back to school again. I've become a magnet for embarrassment. I think God put me on this earth to make everyone else feel better about themselves.

My mother thinks I'm catatonic because I refuse to leave my room and/or talk to anyone. I'm staying in bed forever. I'll be one of those large people who have to be airlifted out of a burning building.

I swear Mike Newton is having a field day with the fact that I, the sensible Jessica Stanley, have a secret crush on him.

THIS IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY.

I mean…I was totally drunk.

He's the one who kissed me anyway!

He started all this nonsense with his awful kissing!

* * *

**Tuesday March 8****th**

Mom forced me to go to school today. Everyone was talking about me behind my back. I could tell because I am an expert at being a bitch. It's something you pick up on, Journal. I'm sure a complete bitch to your Journal friends too. What will all the angst and rage I put into you. It's a cycle.

Mike avoided me all day which made me feel like shit. I should be the one avoiding him. It was my drunken escapades that got us into this mess. All through lunch everyone was acting all awkward and squirmy. Eric didn't even crack one joke. Tyler didn't say anything clever. Lauren didn't try to embarrass me further. Angela didn't try to make me feel better. Bella didn't acknowledge my feelings.

It was very strange. I didn't like it one bit.

I need to do something to lighten everyone's mood. When I'm depressed/pissed/horrified I usually lock myself in the garden shed. I doubt I can fit everyone in there though.

I know!

Shopping!

* * *

**Later**

I called Angela to tell her my brilliant plan.

"That sounds like fun," she said.

"No duh," I said. "I mean…I've been feeling like crap lately and shopping for pretty things always seems to make me feel better."

"We can get dresses for the dance," Angela said.

"Oh yeah…" I said. No one had asked me to the dance yet. Me! Jessica Stanley!

I am kind of intimidating though with my sharp wit and sparkling personality. Plus their mommy's don't want them taking out a Jew like me. They're nervous that they'll feed me pork on accident and I'll burn their house down.

"Who are you going to the dance with again?" I asked.

"I asked Eric to go with me," Angela told me.

"I thought you liked Ben!"

"I do…" Angela said, quietly. Poor thing. "It's just… I'm too nervous to ask him! And Eric just offered to go as friends because he was already turned down…"

Christ. Angela is such a paranoid mess. I think she and Ben would go so well together! She's so tall and he's so short! Just like in _Sixteen Candles_! Oh just think what their children would look like.

"I think you should invite Bella too," Angela said.

"Why?" I whined. "She would just ruin the whole thing with her bleakness!"

"Be nice, Jess."

I was reminded of the promise I made to Mike about being nicer to Bella. It made my stomach hurt.

After I finished talking to Angela, I called up Lauren.

"I can't talk right now," Lauren said in a faint whisper.

"What?" I asked. "Are you entertaining a man?"

"My mother is in one of her moods," Lauren sighed. "She's throwing a freaking tantrum."

"Oh."

Lauren's mom is even nuttier than mine. She's one of the town's favorite topics to gossip about. Ever since Lauren's dad ditched them for another woman, she's been off her rocker. One time she wandered into the forest and disappeared for three days. During this time, Lauren coped by maxing out all her mom's credit cards.

"I'll see you later, alright?" Lauren said. "I would stick around, but Cybil would kick my ass if I didn't help her calm down Mom."

BLAR! Cybil Mallory is such a pain in the ass. She thinks she's so great because she's skinny and blond and smart and has a boyfriend. Ugh. She goes to college in Seattle, but comes to visit often because of her mother. She absolutely detests me because I'm too loud and "ignorant".

After I talked to Lauren I reluctantly called up Bella to invite her to our little outing. She's reluctant at first as I had predicted.

"I'm not even going to the dance," Bella said.

"So?" I said, irritated. Couldn't she be grateful just this once? I was trying my hardest not to bitch out on her. Bitch Control is hard! "You can…um…critique our dresses. And we can go to…dinner afterward."

"I don't know…" Bella said. "I'm not into the whole 'shopping' thing."

She isn't into ANYTHING. Well…maybe Edward Cullen's pants, but that's a different story.

Eventually, Bella agreed to come with us.

I still feel like crap though. At first the shopping trip seemed glamorous and a way to take my mind off my whole ordeal. But then Bella had to ruin it with her monotone!

* * *

**Port Angeles **

Blargh.

Currently I am sitting on a really hard bench next to Angela surrounded by shopping bags. We're supposed to be eating dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant I can't afford, but Bella totally just ditched us! She left to go to some bookstore (which was a relief because her stony silence was starting to piss me off), and never came back.

I'm sort of worried about her. I may hate the woman, but I'm not some heartless skank. I do have some feelings. This journal is proof that I'm human.

* * *

**Home Again and Boy Am I Pissed (when aren't I?) **

I decided to just screw it and eat dinner without Bella. It's her own fault that she forgot about us. The food was insanely good. I probably ate my weight in pasta which is saying a lot since I'm huge.

Our waitress, Amber, was a laugh. She wore zillion of little barrettes in her hair and sometimes slipped into an English accent. She went off for a little while and another waitress told us she had snuck off for a cigarette. Smoking looks so cool. If I wasn't so worried about dying I would try it sometimes.

I was really glad that Bella wasn't around, but didn't say anything about it because Angela would have given The Look. The Look I give my mother when one of the Cheesy Bastards comes downstairs in a bathrobe.

EXCEPT THE STRANGEST THING HAPPENED!

After we were finished with dinner, Angela and I left the restaurant only to run into…guess who!

Edward Freaking Cullen and Bella Freaking Swan looking way too cozy with each other.

(Not that I was jealous or anything I have enough troubles with men already)

"Bella!" Angela exclaimed. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," Bella replied. "Sorry. Is it too late for dinner?"

Angela and I exchanged looks. "Well you never showed up," I said. "So we just went ahead without you."

Bella didn't look upset by this. I half expected her to bitch at us about it, but she didn't seem the bitching type.

"I'll take Bella to dinner," Edward offered. He totally gave off this pedo vibe. Frankly, it scared me a little bit.

"You don't have to," she said, quietly.

OH LIKE HELL SHE DIDN'T WANT TO. SHE 'S WANTED TO JUMP CULLEN'S BONES EVER SINCE SHE CAME HERE! AJAFBJBABVJBABFV!!!!

"I'll take her home," Edward went on to say.

I couldn't believe it. He was trying to get rid of us! Angela and I were victims once again of the Queen of the Fucking Universe. Even the quiet gynophobic Edward Cullen has got the hots for her. Yet another blow to my self-esteem!

Mainly because he turned me down when I asked him out. According to Edward, I am a kiddy cone compared to the eloquent banana spilt that is Bella Swan.

Angela had to drag me to the car. She was scared that I was going to have a few choice words with Mr. Cullen (some of them including "bastard", "wanker", and "Sissy Pants McGee").

In retaliation for my ruined girl's day out, I blasted some Alanis Morisette and sing-screamed "You Oughta Know" out the car window.


	17. In Which Edward Is A Tool

**Wednesday March 9****th**

If I could use one word to describe today it would be probably be: WTF?

Yeah. Today's been a real screwy day. It's like I was teleported to an alternate universe where everyone walks on the ceiling. Like one fucked up Twilight Zone episode. I don't even want to relive it, but I must for journaling purposes. The guidance counselor would be proud.

So Lauren's driving us to school like fucking Tony Stewart and I'm desperately trying not to blow chunks in the backseat. Although I did eat a big English Muffin Pizza breakfast, so it would probably benefit my health if I upchucked right then and there.

Christ, Journal! It was just a joke! Don't tell me that you don't feel the tiniest bit of pleasure when I tear papers out of you!

Anyway, Lauren almost runs over Mike Newton's P.O.S car, but unfortunately swerves at the last second. Sometimes I have dreams of attacking the P.O.S with a baseball bat. No one would know the difference, so I would definitely get away scot-free.

"I'm thinking of taking up smoking," Lauren said.

"Why?" Angela asked, looking horrified. "Smoking can lead to diseases such as emphysema or cancer."

"You sound like a PSA," Eric said.

"Smoking is so glam," Lauren said, twirling a strand of blonde hair around her finger. "Have you ever seen any of those old movies? All the beautiful movie stars smoked."

"They're all dead now," Tyler said. "Besides I don't want to kiss a girl who tastes like a chimney."

After coming to the realization that Bella could never love a man who preferred deep sea fishing over brooding in a dark corner, decided to have Lauren instead. 'Instead' is such an ugly word. I looked it up in the dictionary and it said **"as a substitute or an alternative"**. Sometimes I feel like an **instead of** kind of girl.

Like how I choose salad **instead of** the delicious food I really want to eat. Or how I want the jeans with the cute pink rhinestones on the pockets, but I have to get another pair **instead** because I'm not the right size.

Or the fear that Mike will get tired of Bella rejecting him so he'll have to settle for me **instead**.

Oh Christ, Journal. Please ignore that last part. I'm just going to scribble it out.

"I guess you're right," Lauren said, leaning over to giver Tyler a kiss. "You're so cute."

I made a gagging noise.

Then Mike comes running over to us, almost slipping on a puddle and dying.

"You…guys…" he doubled over, panting. "Holy…shit…dammit…fuck."

"There are ladies present," I said. The awkward atmosphere between us had apparently settled over the course of three days. How easily chumps can forgive and forget.

"I just saw B…Bella," Mike said, glaring at me under his floppy blond hair. "And Edward…walking together."

Eric and Tyler looked pained, but didn't say anything. Because if they did Lauren would pimp slap Tyler with her purse and kick him in the balls. Angela wouldn't care about Eric's reaction only because she wasn't into him at all.

"No shit, Sherlock," I said. "Angela and I saw them acting cozy with each other last night too."

"God must hate me," Mike said. "I mean…the girl of my dreams is dating an emo band reject."

"I think they make a perfect match," Lauren said. "Ice King and Queen! Imagine the sex!"

"I would rather not," I deadpanned.

"'_Oh Edward!'_" Lauren's voice went up a whole octave. "_'Be gentle! I'm not that kind of girl!'_"

I feigned gagging, but couldn't help but smile. I know, I know. I'm a mega super bitch! What's so wrong with that?! A girl is allowed to be a mega super bitch every once in a while! The world would be so boring without us mega super bitches. Who will people look up to if we didn't exist? Who would they hate?

The first bell rang, warning everyone to haul ass. I was about to follow Lauren's fluffy head inside when Mike grabbed hold of my wrist. My left hand immediately reached into my skirt pocket to pull out my pepper spray. My mother makes me carry it around everywhere I go in case a rapist of terriosit or handsome molester tries to get in my pants. Mike Newton is no different.

"What?" I ask half-pissed, half-queasy. What if he wanted to talk about my drunken _Friends_ season two episode seven like rant? I was about to hurl English Muffin Pizza all over his white gym shoes.

"So…" Mike is oblivious to my churning stomach and constipated/angry face. "I need to ask you something."

Oh shit!!! He was definitely going to bring it up! I hadn't prepared what I was going to say! I tried to pull something together in my head, but the cogs were all rusty. I've been panicking too much these days. I wouldn't be surprised if I found a few gray hairs sticking out of my head.

"I got to go!" I shouted. "Mr. Varner is going to kill me if I'm late for Trig again! I've already used up all my good excuses this year! I'll have to use the one about getting possessed by the devil!"

I ran as fast as my stubby legs could carry me.

* * *

**Home**

Mom says I've been loafing around the house too much. She says if she catches me watching another episode of _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ and stuffing my face with Cap'n Crunch ONE MORE TIME she's going to send me off to military school. Imagine me, Jessica Stanley, at military school! I'll have to shave my head like Demi Moor in _G.I Jane_!

Sure she looked smokin', but I can't say the same thing about myself.

So I called up Angela and we hit a city hall wedding.

I put on my favorite violet sweater dress and meet Angela on the front stoop of city hall. She looks a little out of it, so I take it upon myself to wheedle the gossip out of her like a fruit juicer.

"What's the matter, buddy?" I asked, nudging her gently with my hip.

Angela sighed. "I just saw Ben. We had this amazing conversation and I didn't have the nerve to ask him to the dance."

"Slut!" I cried, slapping her in the arm. "Aren't you going with Eric? SLUT SLUT SLUT!"

Angela lunged at me, covering my giant mouth with her hand. "Shut up!" she hissed. "I don't like Eric like I like Ben. I just felt bad that Eric got turned down by Bella."

"Pity date?" I said. "That doesn't sound like you, Angela."

Angela stared dejectedly at her pink ballet flats. "I wish I was like you, Jess. If I had your nerve then I wouldn't be in this mess."

I stared at her dumbly. Angela wants to be like me? A foul-mouthed, chubby, stupid girl like me?

I _must _be in an alternate universe.

* * *

**Friday March 11****th**

Edward and Bella are officially the "It" couple of Forks High School. All day I heard nothing but "Edward and Bella this" and "Edward and Bella that". There was even a small column about them in the school's shit newspaper.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DOES EDWARD CULLEN SEE IN HER?

I've wanted to scream that at him every time he walks by me in the hallway. I see that stupid smirk of his and feel like punching him in the gut.

Today I saw him walking with his shrimp of a sister, Alice Cullen. I have to admit that I wish I looked as skinny as Alice Cullen. She looked like Patrick Swayze could pick her up in _Dirty Dancing_, unlike me, who he would probably drop on my ass.

I accidentally bumped into Cullen as we passed each other in the hallway. I swear to God he did it on purpose! I could see the smirk on his face as all my books scattered on the floor.

"Sorry," he said, kneeling down to pick up my books. Alice hovered off to the side patiently. "Didn't see you there…Joanna was it?"

"Jessica," I replied curtly. "Kind of funny how we've been going to school together for three years and you didn't take the time to learn my name."

"I have a lot of things on my mind," Cullen said, smiling. "I guess it…slipped my mind."

He handed me my journal. My face flushed for some off reason. I felt as if he was absorbing all my secret thoughts like some sick super power. I ripped my journal out of his hand and stuffed it into my bag.

"Edward." Alice was shifting her weight (if she had any) from one side to the other. "We've got to go."

Cullen stood up and flashed me another smile. The kind girls go nutter butters over. I stood my ground the best I could, being on the floor and all.

"See you around, Jessica."

"Asshole," I muttered under my breath.

* * *

**For the ending I just wanted to indulge in a little Edward/Jessica XD I would love to write a one-shot with them just bantering. Also: I am so proud of Anna Kendrick for winning and being nominated for all these awards! I'm like "My little Jessica is growing up!" I'm a dork, I know XD**


	18. In Which Jess Tastes The Rainbow

**Friday, March 11****th**

It's like three thirty in the morning but I don't give a damn because the craziest shit just happened. I have to write it down in case I wake up tomorrow and think it was all just a drug induced dream. Not that I took any drugs, but it does feel like I'm tripping balls.

After school I went home and found my mom sobbing on the couch. I could tell she didn't go into work today because she her hair wasn't washed and she was still in her ugly bathrobe. Frank Sinatra was playing on the ancient record player scoured from the attic.

"Jessica!" Mom stopped crying when she saw me. She wiped her eyes and smiled. "You're home early."

I come home at the same time every day.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Mom grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. "I was thinking about your dad."

I noticed the photo albums spread out on the coffee table. Those photo albums had been stashed in the attic along with the record player and other things that reminded her of Dad.

"Is someone dead?" I asked.

"No." Mom did this throaty sad woman laugh. "I honestly don't know why…"

She trailed off staring at the wall behind me, probably wondering why she was acting so nuts. It was really freaking me out. I hadn't seen my mom really cry since my dad died. Now she was sitting in front of me actually looking at pictures of him. A few months ago this would have never happened.

"Whatever," I said. "Do you want me to make coffee or something?"

"Get me some wine," she said.

Obviously some things don't change. Thank god.

After I brought Mom her wine (I sneaked a few sips in the kitchen) she started sniffling again. I was beginning to get really uncomfortable. You aren't supposed to see your parents cry. It's like a rule. Seeing my mom cry made me want to cry which I didn't want to do because I wasn't wearing water proof mascara. Plus I made this fucked up noise if I cried too hard.

"So you're grandmother- your dad's mother- called me," Mom said. "And she was telling me about this lamp she found. Apparently it was the lamp that your dad gave to me in college. God that was such an ugly lamp. It was shaped like a hula dancer and I hated it because it didn't match anything in my room."

I just sat there listening to my poor mom talking about a damn ugly lamp. I wanted to go up to my room and angst about my day, but she just kept going.

"And I remember when he gave it to me and was all excited," she continued. "He said it was an antique or some bullshit like that. I said I loved it and kept it until we got married. Then I passed it along to his mom."

She started crying again. I patted her back awkwardly.

"I'm such a bad person," Mom mumbled into her hands.

That wasn't fair. I thought of my dad and wondered what he would have done. Be honest.

"It's time to move on," I said. "We should put away all this crap."

Mom looked like I just slapped her, but her expression softened. "Yeah."

We were quiet for awhile until I said, "Maybe we can hang out tomorrow night. I was supposed to go to the dance, but no one asked me."

"Those boys are stupid not to like you," Mom said. "They don't know what they're missing."

"You're supposed to say that," I said, but smiled anyway.

Yeah. So I guess things are all peachy now with Mom. But that wasn't the crazy shit I was talking about earlier. That's coming up real soon. Can't you wait? Have patience, Journal.

After the deal with my mom, I went upstairs and saw that someone had left me a message on my answering machine. Years ago my parents let me have my own phone line because I could talk for hours on the phone. They were getting really pissed because the phone bill just got longer and longer.

Mike had left me a message. He was using the goofy movie trailer guy voice.

"In a world…," the message said. "…where Jessica Stanley is a crazy old cat lady stuck home alone on a Friday night with only smut novels and Starburst jellybeans to comfort her, there lived a man who wanted to know if she would like to get a pizza or something. She doesn't have to say yes, but it sure as hell would raise his self-esteem."

I called him back and said, "Can't you ask me to hang out like a normal person?"

"You're not exactly the Queen of Normal, Jess," Mike said, flatly. Right. I'm the Queen of Fucking Midgets or the Queen of Stupid Choices (never drunk dial anyone gals…don't get pregnant your first time either).

"Why do you want to hang out all of a sudden?" I asked.

"I still need to finish talking to you," he said, his voice turning a shade of Awkward Apricot. I myself am colored a marvelous Oh Hell No Hot Pink. Complements my Nauseou Navy Blue.

I agreed to meet him at his house. It took me an entire hour of arguing with myself (out loud I might add) to build up the courage to go. I stole my mom's car keys out of her purse (she was pretty drunk off old Mrs. Strawberry Hill so she wouldn't need them anyway…in fact I was doing her a goddamn favor!).

After almost careening into the Newton's mailbox due to inept panicking about a spider on the dashboard, I arrived at Mike's. His mother, Karen, answered the door not pleased to see me in the slightest. Karen was never fond of me and vice versa. Somehow I couldn't get over that bird's nest she calls hair.

"Hey, Jess." Mike was trying ridiculously hard to be nonchalant. I noticed that he had made an effort of tidy of his room. Boxer shorts were crammed in the corner where he thought I wouldn't see them. A yellowing issue of Playboy was poking out of his mattress.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked, not bothering to beat around the bush. I grabbed a piece of pizza from the box on his dresser (garlic and broccoli, my absolute favorite).

"Well…" Mike stammered.

This was definitely about the drunk dialing. I loudly excused myself, ran face first into Mike's bedroom door, sprinted down the hall and locked myself in the Newton's bathroom. The first thing you notice about the Newton's bathroom is that it's amazingly sparkly. That's because Karen spends most of her time scrubbing every surface of her home with a toothbrush. That woman is beyond obsessive.

So I'm doing this nervous dance in the Newton's bathroom to stop myself from throwing up. I don't know why I was freaking out about Mike talking about what happened. Maybe it's a psyche thing. Like I'm trying so damn hard to forget about it and if he brings it up I'm screwed.

I would be the best Dr. Phil.

Now Mike started knocking on the door asking if I was alright.

"Can't a lady go to the bathroom in peace?" My voice cracked like a prepubescent boy.

"Jessica," Mike said. "What's going on with you? You've been acting weird lately? Are you…menstruating?"

Just like that I burst into tears. I haven't cried since I was fourteen. It was a whole new ball game for me. For one, along with all this wet stuff seeping out of your eye sockets, you get snot coming out of your nose too. When girls cry in the movies they don't have goddamn snot!

"Open the door," Mike said.

So I do (making that throaty noise I was talking about earlier). Mike stares at me, unsure of what to do. I felt bad because I was acting like a sociopathic snot girl.

"Do you need a tissue?" he asked.

I wanted to say "yes" because of all that nose slime, but the crying was getting in the way. Mike then took me by the hand and pulled me into a hug.

A hug! That's what people do when they're trying to show affection! He didn't care that I was getting snot on his stupid hockey jersey.

I hate to admit it, but being hugged by a Mike Newton felt nice. I know I'm supposed to dislike him with every fiber of my being…but I just couldn't help myself. Have you ever been hugged, Journal? It's a nice experience. Almost as nice as holding hands.

I finally step backwards out of the hugging zone and wipe my nose with my shirt sleeve.

"You look really pretty when your eyes are swollen," Mike said out of nowhere.

I didn't say anything. What could I say to that? I guess I could have punched him in the sack, but I was too fragile for that.

"I…" Mike stepped toward me. My head was screaming at me to TUCK AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL! DANGER DANGER! "I wanted to ask you to the dance tomorrow."

"Couldn't get some stupid freshman to go with you?" I said turning a shade of What the Fuck Fuchsia.

"I wanted to go with you."

"Fine. I'll go. Just don't expect any hanky panky."

It's at this moment that I realize he was leaning toward me. His face had all the signs of "I want to suck Jessica Stanley's face" disease. I dodged his advances (still no kick to the groin!) and head for the staircase.

"Pick me up tomorrow at seven-thirty," I said.

"I'll see you then," Mike said. He looked as embarrassed as I felt.

I quickly showed myself out the Newton house wondering what the hell was going on with me. I mean, part of me was screaming to get out of there as fast I could…but another part actually wanted to kiss a Mike Newton. It was disturbing. It was embarrassing. It was so true that I wanted to cry all over again.

Maybe I do have a subconscious crush on Mike Newton! Oh my God. Oh my God.

I need a drink.

**A/N: Okay. So I guess this is the first part of the But Inside I'm Screaming fanfiction finale D: I originally planned this to be the last chapter, but decided against it. Sorry I haven't written in ages! I was dreading ending this. Has anyone ever felt like that before? **

**Thanks to everyone who's stuck with this long. I love you all!**


	19. In Which There is John Cusack

**Saturday March 12****th**

Once I tell Lauren that I'm going to the dance with Mike she flips her shit. Seriously. I can literally hear her doing her Macarena Victory Dance on the other end of the phone. She tells me haul ass over to her place so she can make me look like a five dollar whore.

When I get there she's got her Wicked CD on. Lauren's singing Popular at the top of her lungs while trying to French braid poor Angela's hair. I felt bad for both of them on different levels. But then Lauren saw me and started screaming and flailing her arms.

"I so knew Mike was going to ask you!" Lauren squealed. She grabbed my arms and swung me around singing, "_Now that I chosen to become a pal, a sister and adviser there's nobody wiser..!" _

"Whatever," I said. I was ready to sock Lauren right in her lemon lip glossed mouth, but retained some self-control. "It's not like this is going to lead to anything."

Lauren groaned and fell backwards onto her bed. "You guys have so much Belligerent Sexual Tension! Just have hot, passionate sex already! You're making everyone suffer along with you!"

I glared at Lauren while trying to stuff myself into my dress. After I got home from Mike's house I ate a whole thing of double stuff Oreos. It was understandable! I was confused! I think I might be experiencing early onset menopause.

"_But not… quite as popular…as…ME!"_ Lauren belted out the last note. The windows in her room literally quivered.

"Angela and I have devised a plan to make Mike fall in love with you," Lauren said. Angela shot her a look. "Well… I came up with it, but still. It's a pretty bitchin' plan."

I wasn't about to tell the girls about my encounter with Mike Newton the previous night. Lauren would tell everyone and then Mike would hate my guts. I mean, I've put him through so much crap lately (some of it he deserved, but most were my silly, teenage antics).

"First." Lauren rolls over, grabs her makeup kit and somersaults back towards me in one fluid motion. By this point Angela is on the floor because she knows better. She doesn't want a pet rock sized ring hitting her in the face thanks to Lauren's hapless gymnastic routines. "First…I'm going to do your makeup so you look like Celine Dion. Fucking Celine Dion."

"What guy doesn't want to screw Celine Dion?" I snarked.

"She sang _My Heart Will Go On_," Angela pointed out.

I remembered that dream I had way back about me and you-know-who doing the you-know-what. I almost faint out of sheer embarrassment. But Lauren was doing my eyeliner and I didn't want to get it poked in my eye.

"Second," Lauren went on. "You'll walk down the stairs all hot and smokin' and Mike will be so infatuated by your drop-dead gorgeous physique. He'll want to jump your bones the entire time!"

"You say that like it's a good thing."

"I think you should just be yourself," Angela said.

Lauren got this blank look on her face like she couldn't comprehend what Angela was saying. "Uh… guys don't want you to be yourself, Angie. That totally puts them out of the mood."

I was getting agitated because Lauren was using light purple eye shadow and my dress was pink. Plus she was being a big bitch again.

Then tragedy struck!

Tyler called Lauren and told her that his sister's cat got run over by a semi, so his parents were making him stay home while they went to Applebee's. It was sad. Mostly because that damn cat was the most awesome cat ever. He thought he could fly, so he climbed all over Tyler's mom plastic wrapped furniture and jumped off.

The other sad thing was that Lauren started crying (by the way it's not just me…snot comes out of other people's noses when they cry too). Angela started consoling her while I stood off to the side, awkwardly bobbing my head.

"That bastard!" Lauren said through her tears. Her mascara was all over her cheeks so she looked like that Kayako chick from _The Grudge_. "That indecent piece of shit! I can't believe he would stand me up like this!"

"There was a death in the family," Angela said.

"That cat never liked me," Lauren said. "It would always frigging hiss at me! It probably ran in front of that semi to SPITE ME!"

"You can come with me and Mike," I said, trying to be helpful.

Lauren's expression turned livid. My stomach turned. I felt the dark forces pressing down on me, filling with anguish and the sins of Hell.

"You expect _me_ to be the _third wheel_?" Lauren spat.

"The third wheel to what?" I asked. "Mike and I aren't going…like…a couple."

Lauren pursed her lips. "You dumb bitch."

Then I left because shit was getting real. Lauren was about to throw a chair out the window. Maybe even Angela. I regretted not going back for the poor dear, but I wasn't going to risk my own skin. Angela could hold her own. She used to do rhythmic gymnastics. Those ankles are jacked.

* * *

My head is full of so many thoughts and shit I think I'm going to explode.

Saying that the spring dance was a life changing experience is an understatement. It might have changed my entire outlook on life.

Mike picked me up at seven-thirty looking normal (thank goodness). He wasn't wearing that ridiculous tweed monkey suit (I really hope he burned it). He said I looked pretty which was nice, I guess. I was concentrating so hard on acting cool that I wasn't listening to a word he said.

He might have confessed his undying love to me and I would've been stuck in my own head.

(P.S: He didn't confess his undying love to me. I wouldn't be writing all this down if he did)

"Did you hear about Tyler's cat," Mike said.

"Lauren was pissed," I said.

"The funeral is on Sunday," Mike told me. "You're in charge of soda."

When we got to the dance it was really stuffy and loud as expected. Lauren was there, surprisingly. She was in the corner chatting up Roger Parkinson: Resident Man-Slut. She looked glamorous and not teary at all.

"Do you want to da—?" Mike began to say.

"I got to talk to Lauren," I interrupted him.

I ran over to Lauren, almost tripping on the hem of my dress. Roger looked sparkly and slutty under the colored lights of the gym. Lauren was working the eyelashes ala Bella Swan.

"Hey, Roger," I said. "I think Audrey was looking for you."

Roger scurried off like the whipped man-slut I know he is. If Audrey caught Roger chatting up other ladies she'll tear his eyes out with her nine-inch nails.

Lauren groaned. "Ugh. Sometimes I really hate you."

"I'm just saving you from future regret," I said, innocently. "Cat Funeral on Sunday."

"I'm going to give that damn cat a eulogy he'll never forget," Lauren said. She looked around the crowded gym. "Where's Mike?"

"Avoiding him at the moment," I said.

"What happened between you two?" Lauren asked, but I took this as my cue to get the hell out there. That was the danger zone as of now.

Mike found me and asked me to dance again. I was saved by Angela who was doing the Electric Slide. I grabbed her arm and dragged her to the bathroom.

"I'm going crazy!" I shout. "I can't even stand next to him for two seconds without freaking out!"

"Who? Mike?"

I stared at her dumbly. "Are you okay? You're acting complacent and not at all in tune with my feelings."

Angela flushed and stared at her shoes. Realization struck like the results of a pregnancy test.

"NO! DID YOU AND BEN DO THE DEED?"

Angela makes a face and swats me on the head. "We didn't! He just asked me to dance with him that's all! Jeez, Jessica! You always jump to conclusions."

She was all giggly and cute. I couldn't help but "d'awwww" really loud. This led to Audrey kicking a stall door open and squealing at an extremely high octave. She kept squealing and jumping around and grabbing Angela and shaking her. The entire time she had toilet paper stuck to her shoe.

"You and Ben???" she said. "Oh. My. GOD!! Bengela! PERFECT!"

Angela's eyes pleaded to me so I unlatched her from Audrey's death grip. "We go to go now, Aud! And just a warning, I saw Lauren putting the moves on Roger a second ago."

Audrey goes into Hulk mode and flies out the bathroom door.

What? That was pay-back for all the times Lauren was horrible to me. You would have done the same thing.

"Mike's probably waiting for you," Angela said, smiling.

"I'm going to have to say stuff, aren't I?"

"I think so."

We left the bathroom to find both Ben and Mike awkwardly struggling to have a conversation.

"Let's go before one you has an aneurysm," I said pulling Mike away from the happy couple.

I can tell in a few months their going to get sickeningly sweet with each other. I'm going to enjoy the days I have left.

Mike once again asks me to dance. This time there weren't any distractions. It was a slow jam too. I could feel the world crumbling around me.

"Don't try anything," I said, not looking at him.

"I'll be a gentleman," Mike said.

He put his hands on my waist. I instinctively lifted my knee to hit him in the sack, but regained my composure. Things weren't going to get messed up tonight. I couldn't stand anymore stupid drama.

I put my hands on his shoulders and looked over his shoulder at the other couples dancing. They were all pressed up against each other, making me sick to my stomach. Mike and I were an arm's length apart at best.

"Sorry about last night," Mike laughed awkwardly. "I think I was drunk or high on meth or something."

"Yeah," I said. "I think I was on something too. Acid looks just like candy."

He pulled me closer, probably thinking I wouldn't have noticed. Mike can be so smooth sometimes.

"Ben seems like a cool guy," Mike said.

"I'm just happy that Angela won't be moping about him anymore," I said. Mike's smell is distracting me. Old Spice and Axe mixed together…gross.

"Are you okay, Jessica?" Mike asked. "You seem really…stiff."

I wanted to say _like your penis_ but it didn't come out.

Something was wrong with me.

I was developing…feelings. For Mike.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO D:

I ran out of the gym, almost crashing into Audrey and Roger making out.

Mike followed me outside and had almost passed out from exhaustion. He plopped down on the grass next to my feet.

"This is crazy," he said.

"You're telling me," I sighed. "I wish we could be, like, elementary school Jessica and Mike. They didn't go around screaming and getting drunk and hitting people in the balls."

"That's you, Jess."

I sit down next to him on the grass, not caring that it was wet and gross and my ass would have stains now.

"Sometimes you're an asshole," Mike said.

"You're a bigger one," I replied. "All you talk about is your precious Bella."

"Would you rather have me talk about you all the time?" he said. "I don't think you'd like that."

I rested my head on Mike's shoulder. "I hate you."

"I hate you too."

"But I really want to kiss you."

"What's your favorite movie?"

"_High Fidelity."_

"I guess…" I said, my stomach churning. "John Cusack is pretty cute. I liked _The Sure Thing_. _Better off Dead _was good too. Have you ever seen – "

Mike kissed me then. Probably to shut me up on my John Cusack tangent.

I can't really explain how it felt so I won't get mushy about.

It was nice. I liked it. I would like it do it again at some point in the future. That's all.

"Have you ever seen _Must Love Dogs_?" I said. "He builds boats in that one."

He kissed me again.

"_Say Anything_ is maybe one of my favorite movies of all time."

Another kiss.

"_Serendipity?_"

"You're pushing it, Jess."

He kissed me anyway.

Then Lauren's voice broke the nice John Cusack moment.

"SLUT!! OH MY GOD YOU ARE SLUTTY MCSLUT SLUT! I'M GETTING THIS ALL ON CAMERA! ANGELA! PHONE! NOW!"

Oh well. I'll kill Lauren later.

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has followed this story up the finale! This is the first time I've ever complete writing something so I'm pretty proud of myself ^__^ And YES! There will be a totally cool sequel about Jessica's thoughts during New Moon. I don't know when I'm going to start writing it so please me patient. I love you all! Thank you times a million!**


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